12 Privileges of Glasses

1. When you wear glasses, it doesn’t matter what your IQ is. You always sound smart. Whether it’s explaining the mechanics of quantum physics or making mac and cheese, you always complete your task with a touch of whimsical wit.

2. When you’re at the movies you get to wear not one, but two pairs of glasses. Your friends will stare in envy as you rock two layers of tinted plastic over your eyes. Only you can achieve such a high level of fashion.

3. Are two pairs of glasses not stylish enough for you? Well, the fashion train keeps on chugging! You can personalize your eyewear even more with a snazzy eyeglass chain. Your buddies will be mad with jealousy that their neckwear is limited to silly necklaces and dumb scarves.

4. Glasses are also of great entertainment to your friends with 20/20 vision. They’ll hold the lenses with their grubby hands, so that you can have their fingerprints in your line of vision all day. They might also try them on and remind you that “you have terrible vision!” because you probably forgot in the span of two minutes. You bring the entertainment without having to lift a finger, unlike your pals that have deal with their “personality” or whatever.

5. Glasses can also be kinda trippy. If you don’t wear them for a while and then suddenly put them on, BAM! Everything’s so detailed. It’s a whole new world. And these mind-blowing effects can all be brought to you without drugs. You can have fun without breaking the DARE graduation promise you made in the sixth grade, unlike other poor saps that put Daren the DARE lion to shame.

6. If you’re trying to make a dramatic point, you can also rip those glasses off your face in a magnificent swoosh! and then simply wait for the applause. Others might resort to cheesy jazz hands for drama, but you needn’t stoop to their level.

7. If you’re feeling bad about your appearance, you can also simply remove your glasses and your complexion is instantly improved. You can glide by on high self-esteem while other people have to deal with the realities of their faces.

8. If the weather is bad, your glasses also act as mini windshields. Your life is just one long dramatic car ride.

9. You instantly look like every celebrity with glasses ever. I don’t look like Anne Hathaway you say? *puts on glasses and waits for flood of apologies*

10. When you’re making pasta and pour the boiling water out, your glasses get all steamy. You’re given a free moment to take yoga breaths and separate yourself from the world while others stress out with their clear vision.

11. Nobody hurts the kid with glasses. Be as racist or sexist as you want. Your classy frames give you an invisible bubble of protection against well-deserved punches.

12. Watching scary movies is a piece of cake. If you’re easily scared, just remove your glasses and Saw IV will fly by in indistinguishable blurs.