“Never go into college with a boyfriend,” they all told me, “You need the experience, a boyfriend will hold you back”. And I listened. Leaving my boyfriend of two years, when he proposed the idea for the same reason, was one of the hardest decisions to make. Do I give into everyone’s advice, or do I fight to defy the odds? Agreeing to keep each other in our lives and but separating was no doubt hard. Going from spending almost every day together to barely speaking felt like a part of me had left. I knew I was doing this for the right reasons, but seeing him move into college, make new friends, and party in his new environment was incredibly difficult- especially because I was still home. All my friends left, and I was the last to move in. I had no one to comfort me. FOMO was in full swing, and all I was left to do was refresh all social media every ten minutes and pray he wasn’t with a new girl.
After moving in myself, I realized why sometimes he didn’t answer my texts, and that the girls in his Snap Stories when he was out didn’t mean he was hooking up with them. I realized how busy I am in college, how I barely have my phone with me, and how meeting new people was the basis of the first few weeks. I didn’t answer texts, and there were my new guy friends in my Snapchats every weekend. But that didn’t take away from the skipped heartbeat every time I saw a girl in his, or saw a comment on his Instagram from a pretty blonde girl with a kissy face emoji.
Of course, I stalked almost every girl who liked his pictures, checking to see who had a boyfriend, who was a threat, if he liked their pictures… I became the crazy ex. I would have my friends who went to his school spy on him for me when they went to the same parties, reporting back to me for any suspicious behavior. Yeah, we aren’t together, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel protective and entitled to know. He’s still mine, he’s still my best friend. He would tell me he’s behaving, promising he didn’t hook up with anyone. I would say I trust him and believe him, but of course a part of me doubted. I tried to tell myself to trust him, thinking the best of every scenario. I tried to calm my nerves and know that I was having fun just like him, and that if it was meant to be, it would be.
I am pretty lucky. Some relationships end before school, never to be spoken of again. The couple goes off to school, don’t speak, and forget about their past completely. I am blessed to still have my best friend just a phone call away, still calming me down from my panic attacks about exams, listening to my rants about my girlfriends, and sharing our days. We made it a point when we separated to keep this true. I have been able to see him twice since we came to school, and he even was able to spend a night here. Don’t get me wrong; it is still so hard to see him having fun without me. We may talk every day, but he still is my ex. I still don’t get to call him mine, lay in his arms till I fall asleep, and spend endless hours just doing stupid things that end up being the best memories. I miss having him in my life like that, but I think I really got the best of both worlds. We still remind each other every day “I love you”, which still holds true.
Who knows what’ll happen in the next few months – maybe we get back together, maybe we never speak again. All I can say is, I’m glad I listened to the advice I got. I am glad we took our time to do our own thing, make our own friends, but I am so grateful we were able to stay close friends. I may have lost my boyfriend, but our friendship has been able to grow even more. My advice? Take the time apart. It’ll hurt like hell, but learn to be independent, especially as a freshman. Learn how to be your own person and how to cope without a boyfriend right there for you. But don’t throw each other away completely; build up your friendship. If it can work out, it will find its way. You really learn the value of a loved one when you no longer have them.
And to my ex – thanks for sticking around; best friend looks so much better on you than ex.