This weekend I finally got around to watching A Simple Favor (great movie, I recommend), and there was one line that really resonated with me. “Never say sorry. It’s a fucked up female habit.” Before hearing this, I had never viewed apologizing as a vice, and so I got to thinking about how I’ve used the words “I’m sorry” in my own life. What did I find?tI am a compulsive apologizer. I apologize when people stand up to let me through the aisle in lectures, when I mishear someone, when I answer a text or email late. Reflecting on all of these interactions, I can’t pinpoint the actual reason that I felt compelled to apologize in any of these circumstances. It’s almost like I have been apologizing for my existence. I now realize that overuse of the phrase “I’m sorry” truly is a bad (even if deeply ingrained) habit, but is this really a female-specific phenomenon?
It turns out, women are far more likely to issue an apology than men are. It’s not that women display a higher rate of offensive behavior; rather, women tend to have lower standards for what merits an apology. Men apologize at the same rate as women when they acknowledge their wrongdoing, but they identify small slip-ups and inconveniences as insignificant in this regard. It is unclear as to whether this disparity is because women have innately greater empathetic capabilities, or if “people pleasing behavior” has been socially reinforced as an expectation specific to females.[1] Whatever the reason, there is a clear lapse in communication between the sexes concerning how we should be treated, and how our behavior is perceived.
These different behavioral standards have negative implications in the workplace and in interpersonal male-female relationships. Apologizing too frequently for your mistakes can be viewed as a sign of self-doubt or regret. When I started my mission to apologize less, I found it awkward to not address any sort of inconvenience I had caused. An effective way to acknowledge someone else’s feelings without belittling yourself is replacing “I’m sorry” with a “Thank you.” Instead of saying, “Sorry I’m late,” say, “Thank you for waiting for me,” or instead of, “Sorry, my mistake,” try, “Thank you for bringing this issue to my attention.” Like all bad habits, over-apologizing is one that can be broken. Making these small adjustments will allow you to feel more confident in your decisions and accomplishments.
Obviously, apologies are still an amazing tool for mending relationships and strengthening social bonds. That being said, there is no harm in reevaluating how often you apologize and why. Ask yourself if you have really done something wrong before falling back on passive tendencies. Mistakes are human nature and nothing to feel sorry about. Make Blake Lively proud and own that shit.
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