Funniest Things Guys in College Have Ever Said

Guys in college say some ~interesting~ things—all the ladies I know can testify to that. It would be a waste to let these comments go unappreciated, so I went around asking girls for their best stories. The results were beautiful. There wasn’t one person I asked who couldn’t contribute her own experiences, and most of the stories started with something along the lines of, “Oh my god, you’re gonna die.” I think you’ll find this list begs the question: do guys even think? Is it their job to confuse us? Keep us on our toes? Is this all the proof we need to assert ourselves as the more intelligent sex??? Anyway, I hope you enjoy this list of weird, cringe-worthy quotes.  

-      “I’m gonna fill you like a cannoli”

-      “We did anal last night?”

-      *hands me a drink* “Don’t worry I didn’t roofie it”

-      “It’s like you’re a car. Are you automatic? Are you manual? Are you push to start? Are you electric?...”

-      “Are you just freaking out right now at the fact that you got with me?”

-      “How do you pee if you’re wearing a tampon?”

-      “Why not? I’m the pull-out king”

-      “Yeah, I flirt with you, but I don’t like you”

-      “You would be so much hotter if you had an accent”

-      “Are you sure that’s not your vagina?”

-      “That’s not how you give a handjob”

-      “You must be pretty hype if you’re getting with a senior”

-      “I’d marry you except you have a tattoo”

-      “I mean I’m not against you calling me daddy”

-      “I can’t go down on you because you’re not my girlfriend”

-      “One boobie.. two boobie…... you have two boobies”

-      “Are you sure you’ve done this before? It doesn’t seem like it.”

-      “Is your other hair as curly as the hair on your head?

-      “I’m gonna get my dog’s footprint tattooed on my ass in life-size”

-      “Sorry I farted into your vagina”

-      “Sit on my face until I need to be defibrillated”

-      “I’m straight but I’d turn gay for Tom Brady”

-      “I only get with girls 8 and above”

-      “Sorry I can’t go home with you because I can’t see myself marrying you”

-      “Ass for ass?” [followed with a picture of his butt]

-      “I stopped talking to you because I met a hot girl, but it didn’t go anywhere so now I’m back”

-      “Would you be mad if I told you I’m also getting with your sister?”

-      “You look like a rotisserie chicken in that position”

-      “Your butt has definitely grown since the last time I saw you… Can I take a picture?”

-      “...full throttle…”

-      “I’m gonna rip her like a mango juul pod”

Yes, these are all real quotes, and yes, boys definitely say some pretty weird things. After writing this article, I’ve fully accepted that guys have a different way of thinking than we do—one which I don’t really want to understand. The moral of the story is: next time you start to overanalyze something some guy says, don’t bother. They are an unlimited source of crazy. I had so much fun writing this article, and I hope this made you laugh, cringe, or both.