Here we go again, just when you thought that the interminable cold of winter couldn’t be any more miserable – Valentine’s Day appears.
Though I can hear the assumptions that this article is just another single girl groaning about V-Day, I assure you that my groaning is not over my singledom. Rather, I groan in anticipation of another year’s worth of advice columns for the single, suggestions of how to get through the season as a single and reassurances that I won’t be a lonely single forever. I say a single; I should say a single girl because this onslaught of media is aimed exclusively at us women. The single girl is something to be pitied, an insecure figure who stands in stark contrast to the celebrated bachelor.
If you find yourself alone and despairing this February, do not worry, as there are plenty of ideas out there on how to celebrate solo! Rest assured that we lonely ladies are not forgotten. Here are some of the internet’s more popular tips…
Single Ladies Alone Together:
Single girls are encouraged to be there for one another, uniting in singularity. Terrified that we may feel too alone, we must band together. Alongside this, an excess of alcohol and sugar is advised, as the single girl’s best friend is not simply her BFF, rather her bottle of Chardonnay (or three) and jar of Nutella. It is suggested that we partake of these remedies in the comfort of our own homes, whilst either watching films about inspiring singles (Thelma & Louise) or mooning over our favourite onscreen “hotties.” I assume the outside world is no place for a single on Valentine’s Day – particularly when we are up to our ears in white wine spritzers.
Love Yourself:
Okay so V-Day has made it apparent that you are without a significant other. This is fine however, as you are perfectly capable of loving yourself! Home spa treatments, long baths and pampering are all popular cures for the lonely soul. Of course, this may prove insufficient. Our rampant, single, sexual frustration clearly needs more. Cosmopolitan recommends readers “Have an early night in with [their] vibrator,” Time Out LA proposes taking a trip to “Pleasure Chest” to browse their offerings. The message is clear. Single? Don’t cry, just masturbate!
Buy Yourself A Gift:
If you find that a cheeky wank isn’t a wholly satisfactory gift, then there’s apparently nothing wrong with heading down to your nearest Clinton’s and surprising yourself with flowers and a card. “Be your own valentine” dupes singletons into contributing to the commercial holiday, under the guise of a message of empowerment. In all honesty, I cannot think of anything more dismal than choosing my own bouquet and lining up in a supermarket to buy some chocolate shaped hearts. It is sad enough seeing the look of desperation on boyfriends’ faces as they purge the shelves of Milk Trays – because nothing says love, am I right? And frankly, 11pm chocolate runs are a standard occurrence, I don’t need Valentine’s to excuse my cravings, nor do I wish to stand in Valentine’s queues.
Go Out With A Platonic Male Friend:
Perhaps the most tragic suggestion I have come across. Countering an alleged female terror of being seen alone in society, we are encouraged instead to pretend that we are in a relationship. The idea is sold as some ironic celebration, go out and mock all the lovey couples, but will all those other couples know that yours is a farce? Of course, there is nothing wrong with spending Valentine’s with friends. However, this seems too much along the lines of pick your most eligible male friend, that one that you’ve obviously been swooning over (because you are a single lady in the pits of unrequited love) and convince, persuade, beg, borrow and steal a faux-date from him. Who will know the difference?
To be single is taboo. These suggestions are flogged as a way to make the curse of the single bearable. They do little to improve our self-esteem though; in fact they do quite the opposite. In selling these supposed messages of support we are simply feeding a culture of loneliness. Everything comes down to coping – how to cope with being single, how to cope on Valentine’s. Perhaps we don’t need to cope at all.
My plans this V-Day? Nursing a hangover from the night before and slobbing around the house all afternoon – just another Saturday really…Â