We’ve heard it time and time again that if you’re a woman who is successful then you’re obviously not a nice person. It’s old news that being nice and being successful never seem to go hand in hand, instead, you’re either “bossy”, “difficult”, “emotional” or, as summed up by Donald Trump, a “nasty woman.” Women have been held back, moulded into ways that fit them perfectly into the “likeable woman” society deems they should be – because people find it so hard to comprehend that women have voices and want to use them. But this deformity is dishonest, which is why so many women, including Nigerian writer and ultimate badass, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, are finally exclaiming that likeability as essential for women is “bullsh*t.”
In an interview with Woman’s Hour, Adichie was asked what her most crucial advice to anyone with a daughter would be. Her reply was to tell your daughter to “reject the idea of likeability.” She continues, “I think we teach girls…to think about what other people think of them. And I think it’s so dangerous… I think it’s so important to teach a child – particularly a girl – that your job is not to be likeable, your job is to be your fullest self.”
But likeability being an essential part of women is hard to shrug off when it’s been such a huge part of what has been channelled into us. Take for example the word “sorry.” Something we say constantly and unconsciously every day that serves to diminish our sexual power by making us seem ‘accessible and less threatening’ according to Rachel Simmons, author of The Curse of the Good Girl. Obviously, accessible and less threatening simply mean likeable.
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Of course, I’m not talking about when you may need to say sorry, but when you’re apologising for being you. Apologising for moments when your body completely fails on you (because life happens and people get ill) and you need an essay deadline extension or, god forbid, you can’t make the pub that evening. Or apologising for having to ask a question because you didn’t quite understand what your tutor, or your boss, was saying. Or even apologising because someone else bumps into you. These aren’t what some may say, “traits of an English person”, it’s what people do to seem more likeable.
Even writing this article, I can tell that as soon as it’s out there in the world I’ll have to hold back on apologising for wasting two minutes of your precious time having to read what some English undergraduate has to say and worrying that you won’t like it.
Adichie may not be the first person to point likeability out, and the difficulties of letting it go, but her reminder is important because of her final comment: “The world is such a wonderful, diverse and multifaceted place that there’s somebody who’s going to like you.” Women don’t need to be likeable to be loved by the ones that matter. So be pushy, take control, stand up for what you think matters and own your “nasty woman!”
(Photo Credit: Chimamanda)