In films, heartbreak is crying to sad songs, pints of ice cream and regretful scrolling through drunken texts. In reality, the healing process is gruelling and emotionally exhausting, equating to that of grief. It can take a long time to pass, and mistakes must often be made first-hand to truly learn and heal. However, in the difficult context of being at university, away from home comforts, I will share some lessons from heartbreak to make the ordeal a little easier.
1. Lean on friends and family.
Although this may seem an obvious tip, it is incredibly important. You may worry that others simply don’t understand the depth of your sadness, or that you are being a nuisance in constantly re-hashing your trauma. The truth is, you will most likely be surprised. Upon talking to friends, you will discover that so many people understand your exact situation. It is easy to get caught up in the feeling that your relationship (and breakup) was ‘different’ to others, and although a brutal realisation, you will find that it is very much a universal experience. Every relationship is special. As well as talking about your feelings, listening is vital too. Almost everyone has felt or will feel the sensation of heartbreak and hearing that other people relate to you can be a great comfort.
2. Seek advice from your elders.
One important tip is to speak to your elders. The experience of heartbreak spans generations. An outside perspective from someone who has lived through this feeling (perhaps multiple times) and come through the other side can offer an insight into the bigger picture. Advice, especially from people whose lives seem settled and drama-free, can reassure you that time does indeed heal. Even though you may be away from home, make time to call your older family members. It can be incredibly grounding.
The stereotype of the emotional young person is largely true, and although it can be painful, many older people have remarked that they miss it. Appreciate the emotions you feel – they are part of being alive.
3. Embrace heartbreak
Heartbreak is not something to apologise for, or to try and push aside. Although university can be demanding, it is imperative that you put aside time for self-care. Being kind to yourself and making time for this is one way to learn independence and prove to yourself that you can go it alone. Write your feelings down, draw, find songs that describe how you feel, or even watch Normal People. Do what you must. Attempts to speed up the healing of heartbreak are often futile. When away from home, waves of sadness are inevitable. Allow yourself to feel them. They become easier with time.
It is important not to ignore or try to alleviate feelings of heartbreak, no matter how hard they are to tackle. Breakups can come with regret, lack of closure, and the feeling of being utterly lost. Alcohol, drugs, and smoking are not the answer, even though the university setting makes them an easy option. Acknowledge your vulnerability. Alcohol is a depressant, and hangovers can heighten feelings of helplessness and anxiety, especially after you make emotional and drunken decisions. Since going sober, I have found that nights out are far more enjoyable when you wake up regret-free. This is not to say that a couple of drinks with your friends is a bad idea – it can make it easier to chat and to have a good time. However, drinking heavily whilst under the pressure that university throws at you will not aid your heartbreak.
4. Do not pressure yourself to ‘get under someone to get over someone’.
Often, after a breakup, there is a desire to seek validation from other potential partners, and to seek revenge on your ex. If you want to meet others and feel ready to do so, then that’s great! Do it for the right reasons. But if not, it is important to remember that your self-esteem can easily take a big hit when you feel emotionally fragile. When exploring a new environment such as university post-breakup, getting with people can seem a good idea. There is undoubtedly a pressure to meet other people, especially if you have heard that your ex at another university or at home is doing so, but it is vital to focus on yourself first. This is why cutting down on contact can be important, so you do not compare yourself to your ex. Everyone deals with heartbreak in different ways, but to pressure yourself to get with people you are not particularly interested in beyond a drunken ordeal can lead you to idealise your past relationship and prevent you from getting the space you need to truly heal.
5. Find and appreciate the positives.
University can seem daunting when heartbroken but can be the perfect place for it. See the positives: the societies you can join, the freedom you have to meet new people and the fact that you are not restricted by anyone or anything. Throw yourself into academic study. Find new interests, and explore old ones. Move around: find new libraries to work in, go on walks, hang out with friends. Be thankful that you don’t have to worry about what your ex-partner is up to, wherever they are. If the relationship was not in the right place before university, the jealousy would have caused even more stress long-distance.
6. Refrain from blame.
Finally, it can be easy to want to pin the blame onto someone, whether your ex or yourself, after a breakup. See the bigger picture. Remember that you cannot possibly know what the other is thinking or feeling. Acknowledge that you deeply care for someone and wish them the best, but that you can do this from a distance. Misunderstandings can happen amid heartbreak, and this can lead to more hurt. Steer away from the cliché of the explosive breakup. You have deeply loved someone, and the good parts are the reason why you feel the heartbreak so deeply. Embrace the beauty and the humanity in this.
“It’ll pass”
The Hot Priest, Fleabag