So it seems like everyone’s breaking up at the moment; Ben and Jen, Zayn and Perrie, Suki and Bradley. At least Brangelina are still together, but even Brad and Ange have been through break ups; everyone has to go through a break up at some point in their lives, they’re kind of a right of passage – but that doesn’t stop them being decidedly shit. Whether it was your choice or not, you feel like a dog without a home. Unless they smelt really bad, it’s inevitable that you will have withdrawal symptoms.
Science even confirms this; activity in the part of the brain that deals with deep attachment – the hypothalamous – is incredibly active post-break up people, your A10 cells are in overdrive, spraying dopamine over your brain and making you desperate for contact with your ex. Apparently. We’ve all heard the saying “Love is a drug” and the part of our brain that love triggers is indeed the same part that is associated with craving a line of cocaine for example. So how do we wean ourselves off this toxic substance?
I’ve done it more times than most – so from personal experience, here’s my guide to dealing with a break up, without locking yourself in your room and stuffing your face with ice-cream for months at a time.
Remind yourself – love isn’t real
The withdrawal symptoms are real, but sometimes it helps me to remind myself that it’s just psychological. When you really think about it, it’s just a product of cause and effect: spend “x” amount of time with person, have sex “x” number of times; stop having sex “x” number of times and feel shit for “x” amount of time. It’s all a formula and love isn’t real.
Okay, it’s real – face up to it
Okay, maybe even if it’s a formula, it’s a formula in the life you live, so yeah, it’s real. You can’t hide it; maybe that person was great, maybe his pecks were the only in the world that topped the Venus de Milo. Or maybe you just got on really well. Face up to that. Don’t make a relationship into a demon just because you’re out of it. And don’t make a voodoo doll of him and stick pins in it – don’t do that. Also don’t do what WikiHow tells you to do and have a “symbolic ceremony” almost like a funeral, burning all the things that remind you of them – don’t do that. Appreciate the good and appreciate the bad for what they were. He always bought you flowers and was a good lover, but was way too over-protective. You won’t miss his moustache but you’ll miss that jumper he always let you borrow.
Let yourself be sad
Particularly in the early stages, if you need to cry, just let it out. It doesn’t make you weak or stupid or silly to cry. Our tears actually contain a natural painkiller called leucine enkephaline, so shed them and give yourself a break.
But try not to romanticise
It’s very easy when you wake up in the morning and realise you’re single, alone in the world and your bed is cold, to think of one (or maybe three) really nice times you’ve had together – and as if just to taunt you, they come back to you vividly and all the more romantic than they probably ever were. You sit there in that little moment in your head and your little paper heart breaks in the knowledge that that moment, or a similar moment, with that person, will never happen again. In these moments, your brain genuinely fools you into thinking you had it better than you did. Plus, some people just love to wallow and be overdramatic. Don’t be that person. Take off those rose tinted glasses and remember the reasons why you broke up in the first place, because they did exist.
You will feel like that again
H.L Mencken once said that love is “the delusion that one woman [man] differs from another” – that’s obviously not entirely true, but if it helps you, use it as your mantra.Why your brain convinces you (even at 20) that this is the end of love and that you will never feel like that again I’m not sure… but don’t worry, eventually someone will come along who you’ll probably be even more delusional about – oh how we love our delusions. There’s a cultural perception that love is rare, that’s what makes it special and in a way that’s what makes it desirable.
People are constantly uttering things like “the one,” “your soulmate,” “the one that got away,” “one true love.” It makes me feel very ill and realistically it’s very stupid. The population of the UK is 6.4 million, if you half that and then, say you’re really really picky and divide by 10, then you’re still on 3,200. That’s not taking into account all of the foreigners you will meet. Or if you’re bi – never a bad idea. There is an innumerable amount of clever, attractive (insert ideal characteristics here) people in the world and if you continue to leave your house, you’ll find a good’un eventually don’t worry.
(Image Credit: Cosmopolitan)
In the mean time, get drunk
Girls just want to have fun and getting drunk is really fun. Go to the shittest club you know and flash your boob, flash both boobs, maybe even streak… I did those things in a relationship anyway, but for many of you who have more decency, now is your time to lose it. I promise it is liberating. You have the whole of your life to be a respectable member of society and does anyone actually aspire to be that?
Well, not too drunk because alcohol is a depressant
Apart from the obvious symptoms of a hangover, nausea, headache…, feelings of anxiety and depression are also capable of rearing their ugly heads, particularly if you’re upset about a break up anyway. If you’re not doing anything productive and you’ve only had 2 hours sleep, of course you’re going to feel crap about your break up, of course you’re going to crave comfort and affection. You can manage this shit and if it keeps happening, just lay off the alcohol and watch a movie with your mum or something. Also clean your room, get your life together and maybe take Cosmopolitan’s advice and begin some kind of intense, rage-based exercise routine such as kickboxing.
Flirt with people!
It’s really fun!
Don’t bang just because you can
When people who have got out of a relationship the week before jump straight into bed with someone else, it just reeks of desperation. Unless they never really liked the person, it just seems like they’re desperate to validate themselves immediately. Just chill, there’s no rush and you’ll shag someone eventually, don’t worry. But by all means have a cheeky peck, have a few cheeky pecks, have a snog, go wild!
Do what makes you happy
You’re not going out with them anymore so do whatever the hell you want. Don’t feel the need to look after them, or base your actions around them. And don’t obsessively check when they’re online on Facebook or any of that shit – it’s lame. The breakdown of a relationship doesn’t have to be a disaster, it can be a time for change and much needed opportunity for personal growth. To quote a friend “you be you,” whoever you might choose that to be at that moment in time. Assert who you are, what you love and appreciate your individual freedom to do that. Now is the time to be cocky, unleash your inner Beyonce, your inner Shakira. It’s not cockiness, it’s truth, it’s reality. If you’re feeling sad, do things you love.
I would recommend drinking wine and watching Grease or dancing around your room, hairbrush in hand, singing “Suddenly I see” by KT Tunstall. It’s a banger.
Appreciate your mates
You know that mate that’s been there the whole way through your shameful romantic career – from sucking a guy off at 15 in a loo and crying about it – to now where you can only hope you’re more sensible. She’s been there that whole time and she’s still there. Appreciate it and at least buy her a drink while she listens to you chat about another break up.
Start a lesbian empire
Maybe I’m taking it too far but by all means experiment in whatever way while you’re single and while you still can.
(Featured Image Credit: Cosmopolitan)