I have a confession to make: I used to be a Donervans addict. During first year, I forced fellow flatmates to walk down to Donervans with me on normal nights, bribing them with chocolate biscuits and sometimes even money, just to get a good dose of my favourite late-night comfort food. I was desperate, but I was not the only one. If I know anything at all, it’s that a lot of Bristol students out there have faced similar addictions, be it with Hunger Hatch, M&M or even Peri Peri Chicken.
Enough is enough. We are not starved animals, uncivilised beasts that must clamour over paper parcels of- mildly appetising- food like ruffians. We are bright, beautiful, Bristol students!
We can, and will rise together and defeat the nightly chips run, once and for all!
1/ Remember that, whilst drunk, your judgement will be seriously impaired. Although you may be inclined to think that ketchup and mayo streaked across your ravenous, makeup-smeared face will be a welcome addition to your aura of undeniable beauty, it will not.
2/ Before a night out, work out how much money you want to spend and don’t, under any circumstances, leave yourself enough money to buy Jason Donervans. If necessary, spend all your money on The Green Stuff and make your way home through a mixture of ‘pigeon homing device’ and pure unadulterated luck.
3/ Warn your friends that you do not want to be eating Donervans. Not unlike lad culture, Donervans capitalises on what I like to call the ‘lost sheep’ syndrome; if one person goes, the rest follow. Be sure to avoid this possibility altogether by setting out your aims at the beginning of a long night of drinking.
4/ Befriend stubborn and stingey people. Stingey people are always reluctant to waste an extra £3 a night on chips that could potentially do your (let’s be honest) already queasy state more harm than good. Stingey people that are stubborn are even better! Nine times out of ten, they will always resolve to go home and have a nice slice of toast instead of buying Donervans, dragging you along in their efforts.
5/ Create an agreement with another member of your flat that if you do go to Donervans and buy food there, you must go to the gym/ engage in some form of physical activity the next day, or you will have to give them an agreed amount of money (e.g. Donervans + no gym= £10).
6/ You will get to a point where you may think that all you want is an extra large cheesy chips (with extra everything on it ). The thing to remember is that five minutes later, you will most probably be feeling very disappointed with yourself, and slightly ill. When you think about it, an overdose of Donervans doesn’t even taste good.