Coming out can be both a terrifying and liberating experience. For most people, it’s an ongoing process. No one comes out once, but we all have some really memorable moments too. So in light of National Coming Out Day being 11th October, I’ve collected some stories from friends and strangers in Bristol.
‘I can’t pin my coming out to a particular date, instead of coming out of the closet I poked small holes in the door, allowing close friends and family to peek in.
I remember the first time the words ‘I’m gay’ left my mouth. It was my first history lesson in a new school when I was 16. The word ‘gay’ felt sticky in my mouth and it took all my effort to eventually spit it out.
From that day day on the whole process became a lot easier. Getting a boyfriend acted as a catalyst because I had to explain why this strange boy kept coming round for ‘sleepovers’. My dad was the scariest and the finale to my journey of becoming truly comfortable with myself. An ex-army man, serious, not too accepting of liberal values. After I told him my sexuality I remember the only thing he said in response was “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” ’ – Callum
‘One of my most memorable coming outs was when my friends from home were discussing something and one of them asked “yeah but I wonder what a gay person would think about this”. I slowly raised my hand. The point was made.
‘Never Have I Ever’ is another highly underrated means of coming out. Not one to go in for big shows of emotion, it was how I came out to my wider friendship group at home and to this day I do not regret it.’ – Anonymous
‘I’m not sure that I have actually ‘come out’ yet to be honest. I wouldn’t tell a stranger that I’m a lesbian and I would still talk to most of my friends about the hot guys on our course or on the swimming team.
I only realised that I like girls when I formed a relationship with a girl from Paris last year. I met her on a summer camp and whilst everyone else working on the camp kept asking if there was anything going on between us I assured them that there was not, still convinced that I had no interest in being with her. However, when the camp was over, I went over to Paris to visit her and play some rugby…but it ended up with romantic walks along lakes, sitting along the banks of the Seine by Notre Dame and the most beautiful nights I could have ever imagined. It never felt weird, but we both kept it secret from the rest of the world (there was some sort of unspoken agreement to do that). Our personalities matched so perfectly and to cut a long story short, I really loved her.
However, one day she blocked me on every form of social media. I realised this at the end of a swimming training session as I was getting changed with my teammates. Since I was so upset it was impossible not to tell a couple of my closest friends, and that meant coming out to them as sort of collateral. I didn’t want to ask them not to tell anyone even though I did make it obvious that it wasn’t open knowledge, but when I got home I decided that I should tell my mum. I remember starting the message with ‘I am telling you this out of courtesy so you don’t find from someone else’ and ending it ‘I don’t want to talk about it and if you try I will ignore you’. I have never been close with my mum and as cold as it sounds I really meant both of those things. It was very matter-of-fact.
Since then, I have ‘come out’ to a few of my closer friends, all of whom have reacted as if I told them something as mundane Tuesday comes after Monday. I came out to one friend whilst…um…in bed with a guy. I realised that it was a mistake so I ended things and rolled over to message a friend and I told her the situation because I was slightly drunk and I thought it sounded funny. I ended up also telling her about my French girlfriend and how I wasn’t really into…this. Her response was so simple: ‘I already knew’. I just wish that one of these friends that knew had told me!’ – Anonymous
‘When I was 15, I gathered all my friends together and we baked rainbow coloured cup cakes and I iced ‘Mum I’m gay’ on the top of them. When she came home from work I showed them to her. She was really accepting. She hugged me and told me that she already had a feeling and that it was ok. It was lovely’ – Holly
‘I decided to tell a close friend of mine while we were at a pub and she was very drunk (always easier to open up when at least one party is drunk I find!). I confided in her and she told me it was great, it didn’t matter and she still loved me, so I thought that’s a weight off my shoulders!
The next time I saw her I said “so…that thing I mentioned at the pub!” and she had absolutely no recollection of it so I had to tell her all over again!’ – Anonymous
‘My coming out to my parents happened through a gossipy mums’ network in my home town. I was in first year of uni and just got a text from my sister saying ‘one of mum’s friends just told her you are gay… is that true?’ – Elliot
‘I was planning on coming out to my parents when I was at uni, so I’d be away from any possible tempestuous consequences, or at least after my 18th birthday so I’d be an adult and couldn’t be forced into some questionable evangelical Christian conversion scheme. Instead, while I was in the middle of a long crying session during a rough few months, Mum came and sat on my bed looking suspicious. Rather than asking one of the standard questions such as “are you gay?” or “do you like girls?” my mum came out with “Ruth, have you had sex?”
So I mumbled a very sheepish and shocked “yes”.
“With a man or woman?”
“Ummm, a woman.”
Cue an awkward silence. The aftermath was difficult for all involved. Mum walked out of the house and went into a huge depressive episode, and was signed off work for a week due to how my coming out affected her, and even now there is a chance that Dad will lose his job as a pastor if I come out to the wrong people in my church.
But it always does get better, it has only been a few months and Dad has become a lot more accepting, and even though it is much harder for Mum, she has got to the point where she told me she’d try to welcome any girl that I brought home the same as she’d welcome any of my brother’s girlfriends. We’re at the stage now where everything has been swept under the carpet and we pretend that it never happened. But it is so good feeling semi-free and having a huge weight off my shoulders.’ – Ruth
‘I came out for the first time approximately three years ago, at first as bisexual, now I am probably more inclined to say I am gay. The first friends I told reacted as I hoped. I begged that in light of my sexuality they did not treat me differently; they did not. The reaction of my parents however, was a very different story. My father had repeatedly told me of how in his childhood he went ‘faggot bashing’, and that he hoped to God that none of his children were gay.
Anxious to get it off my chest and tell at least one member of my family, I called my mother. It seemed fine at first, but as time went on, my mother increasingly found it unbearable to keep the news from my father and I became depressed, feeling constantly like a burden and a liar in my own home. The homophobic rhetoric my dad previously spouted was also now far too much for me to handle. One day at dinner, my dad dominated the conversation again with homophobic comments. He used the words ‘faggots’ and ‘dykes’. He told of his ‘faggot bashing’ days. I felt sick.
An overwhelming sense of anxiety and adrenaline rushed through my body as I begged he stopped talking about it. My comments met the response ‘I can say what I like in my own house’. Suddenly I snapped. I burst into tears, and practically screamed I was bisexual. Despite building up the reaction in my mind, I did not anticipate what followed. My father screamed, he suddenly stood up and in one quick motion threw his plate and many of the dining plates against the wall, shattering them instantly. Red in the face, he screamed asking why I had chosen this and if I had done it to hurt him. He accused me of lying and began to angrily cry, smashing and punching anything within the vicinity of his fists. I begged my mother to make him stop, but she screamed back claiming I had placed a burden on her too hard to bear, and that I was selfish. The shouting and the anger continued. My dad, a very confrontational man, edged towards me, eyes bulging. He cornered me in the kitchen cabinet. I was scared, I couldn’t move my body, and then his hands were around my neck – an act he denies to have committed to this day.
Following the incident, I found it too much to live at home. I could only stay for around three days, without feeling impending anxiety. I am still sometimes subject to homophobic verbal abuse, and I am treated differently because of it. But what can be said, is that it gets so much better – in fact it gets amazing. I now feel electric and excited about who I am, and since coming out I do not feel like I need to hide who I am from anything or anyone. My relationship with my family has improved. Although the verbal abuse continues, it has simmered down and I am extremely optimistic that it will cease. My mother now asks after my girlfriend and even bought her a Christmas present’ – Deanna [full article]