Trigger Warning: This article contains details of sexual assault and harassment; please read ahead at your own discretion.
As Women’s History Month is coming to an end, I thought I would use this opportunity to discuss sexual harassment following Sarah Everard’s disappearance earlier this month while walking home from her friend’s house in London. Her disappearance sparked an outcry on social media from women around the world who are ordering systematic change. This includes greater protection for women and improved education for men on women’s lack of safety through the hashtags #notallmen and #IamSarah. An investigation by UN Women UK found that 97% of women aged 18-24 have been sexually harassed. I am neither shocked nor surprised by this statistic, but I am saddened it has taken something to horrific to happen for the world to realise the awful things women go through.
Firstly, I think it’s important to precisely mention what sexual harassment is by showing some examples because maybe you know someone who has been a victim of this or knows someone who has said or done these things.
Sexual harassment can be a one-off incident or an ongoing pattern of unwanted behaviour. Anyone can be subjected to it, whether you’re gay, straight, bi or trans, male or female. While sexual harassment happens to anyone, women are more susceptible to it.
This includes:
- Flirting, gesturing or making sexual remarks about someone’s body, clothing or appearance
- Telling sexually offensive jokes
- Sending sexual content online
- Catcalling, whistling or honking from your car
- Touching someone against their will
- Sexual assault or rape
- Following someone in public/ stalking
- Continuing to ask you out after you’ve declined several times
- Asking you questions about your sex life
Anyone who sexually harasses someone is responsible for their actions, whether you are the person who made the complaint, someone who witnessed it or someone who’s been accused of it.
Although this is a sensitive topic, I took to social media to ask people who felt comfortable to share their experiences and shed some light on the topic and show that you are not alone. While it was not easy reading these experiences, I appreciate everyone’s input and feel somewhat connected and empowered by it.
Experience #1: “I was in a Harlequin fancy dress at a club night for Halloween. I was waiting by the exit about to leave, but just waiting for my boyfriend and friends to come back from the toilets. This guy came over to me and asked me where my “batman” was, and he leant against the wall behind me, so he was towering over me, and I told him my boyfriend was on his way. He said, “that’s bullshit”, and I was so anxious I didn’t know what to do as he was so close to my face. I tried to wriggle away from him. He started touching me up, touching my bum and literally shouting to finger my a*rsehole through my costume. I spotted my boyfriend, shouted his name and he came running over. The guy ran off. I went to the bouncers to complain, and they said there wasn’t any CCTV and were pretty dismissive.”
Experience #2: “Even though it was non-consensual and I said ‘no’, I believed for nearly a year that it didn’t count as harassment or assault because it was in a relationship. I’ve also heard stories of other people’s experiences being far worse, but I’ve realised that mine is still classed as harassment. It was my first relationship when I was 17/18 and my boyfriend was obsessed with sex. It was his answer to everything. It was all sex & considering I only saw him on weekends; we probably did it more than the average couple would in 2 weeks in 3 days. I didn’t like doing it so often; however, if I said no to him, he’d get stroppy, saying I didn’t love him. I ended up just letting him do what he wanted because it was better than him threatening to self-harm or get annoyed at me. One time I remember I woke up to some bad news & I was crying my eyes out. What was my boyfriend’s answer? Sex. I repeatedly said, “no, I don’t want to; I don’t feel like it,” but he still did it. I was crying my eyes out, asking him to stop, but he didn’t. It made me feel like an object and worthless. I thought I’d gotten over it and healed from what felt like 9 months of it. Sometimes when I have sexual encounters now, I freak out. Sometimes, when I feel someone getting too close, I leap away and ask them to stop. It’s a horrible feeling, which then got worse after my previous boyfriend emotionally and abused me, leading to me feeling like I’m lazy and a failure. That relationship wasn’t a form of sexual harassment, but it left me feeling the same way the first boyfriend did.”
Experience #3: “My friend and I were out for her 21st birthday. We went to the smoking area to have a cigarette, but the bouncer stopped us. He said we weren’t allowed there. Confused, we left and then he grabbed my friend’s arm and asked where we were staying. Innocently, we just said, “oh, at a hotel”, and he said, “let me take you there”. Uncomfortable, we tried to laugh it off and said, “oh no, sorry, she has a boyfriend”. He said we could have a cigarette in the smoking area if he could take me home after. I said “no, sorry”, then he threatened to kick us out and tried to take our IDs off us (aka tried to take our actual purses). I called him a c*nt; we ran out. I reported it to the bar staff, and they did nothing except apologise, say that he had a bad reputation, and offered us free tickets for another night.”
Experience #4: “The first time I was ever sexually harassed, I was about seven. I was in a school where primary and secondary schools were in the same building. One of the older boys who at the time was about fourteen or fifteen, started speaking to me, and after I tried to get away from him, he pinned me down and started rubbing up on me, taking off some of mine and his clothes and proceeded to rub them on his crotch and humping me. Staff saw this, and eventually, he was stopped and pulled off me, but the school put a lot of pressure for it to be handled “discretely”, and the incident was never reported to police or authorities. I have been going to therapy since. He never had any repercussions for his actions.”
Experience #5: “One time, I was in a club with friends, and one of the boys in our group bought us drinks. I didn’t think anything of it because we were all friends and thought he was friendly, but he started harassing me about going to a hotel with him afterwards. I really didn’t want to, but he was persistent, so I avoided him the rest of the night. Around 2 am, he found me in the club, pinned me up against a pillar, and started trying to kiss me and touch me inappropriately. My friend had to rip him off me, and we left the club after. The worrying thing about it is the fact I have many more stories about harassment from men and not just this one.”
Experience #6: “I was going on a date with this guy, and he wanted to meet me at 8/9 pm, which I thought was too late, so my first instinct was that he was going to kill me. We ended up meeting during the day, and we talked about how inappropriate it is to ask a girl to walk at night these days. He fully understood that it made me uncomfortable and worried. He claimed to understand how women can feel about walking at night. Another time, we met up again at the beach, but this time I made sure I texted my friends a photo of my outfit in case I went missing. I made sure to wear things I felt were unique to me, like my crocs. I even shared my location, told my parents, planned an escape route home, made sure there were lots of people around me and that I knew where the CCTV cameras were. I felt the need to update my friends on how it was going constantly.”
Sexual harassment is not normal, and you are not ‘asking for it, whatever the circumstances. All experiences can be traumatic, regardless of how ‘minor’ you think they may be. To anyone who has ever experienced this, you are not alone, and I am so sorry you had to go through that. We are told to sweep it under the rug and not make a big deal out of it, but it is a big deal. Once again, thank you to anyone who felt comfortable sharing their stories.