Happy (or very unhappy) Friday the 13th, read your special Brandeis horoscope below to find out what on-campus traps and pitfalls to avoid today!
Virgo
Maybe you have fun dinner plans with a friend to celebrate the end of the week. You suggest off-campus but they wanted to stay closer to home. They suggest Sheman. IGNORE this suggestion. Today is not your day to take a risk on sherm food, it will end in you at home, on your bathroom floor, on a Friday night, while that same friend sends you snaps from Tavern in the Square.
Libra
Stuck wearing the same clothes? Has your dirty clothes hamper beginning to develop a type of certain smell? Looks like it’s laundry day but BEWARE of on-campus washing machines. They may be free but today is the day one will decide to malfunction and trap your clothes inside ~~forever~~ Don’t take a chance… just reward those jeans for the fifth time this week.
Scorpio
Avoid upper today if you can, I can see it in your future now… you’re having a lovely day… Minding your own business… And WHAM. Yep. That’s your ex in the Curritos line. This school is too small. Definitely only Bently people for you from now on.
Sagittarius
Theatre lot has been super full lately. And you dread walking up that hill every morning. One time parking in the library lot or on loop road couldn’t possibly hurt, right? WRONG. Unless you want to come back from your class and find that dreaded white slip of paper under your windshield and have to go pay even more money to this university, do not take the risk, just park in grad… they never ticket there, Right?
Capricorn
Take extra care today on the Rabb steps. One single TOE out of line spells a big fall in your future. Ohhhh a bad one too. Yikes. That’s gotta hurt. Oh my god, they went allllll the way down. Mmm yep, that’s gotta be a sprain.
Aquarius
As you’re walking around campus today, keep your head DOWN or else risk bumping into people around campus trying to recruit you for something, or join a club or a sport, maybe they just want to give you a flyer, or tell you to go on birthright. You don’t want to be mean, but how do you skillfully tell them you’re already in 50 clubs and need to get to class. And they’re not even tabeling with stickers. NO Stickers. Now it’s really time to go.
Pisces
Your tendency to sensitivity will be your enemy today. If you’re stressed about your schedule or have to go to the registrar for the hundredth time this week JUST DON’T go. Whatever meeting you make is sure to end in tears. Those specific stress tears. The kind where your face starts to slowly turn red and then your eye gets all puffy and then everyone asks you about it. Maybe you should just stay inside today…
Aries
If you have a big assignment due soon, stay away from the library today. Your tendency to be a social butterfly will doom you to run into EVERYONE you’ve ever known in Farber and you will be trapped in an endless circle of walking around feeling obligated to say hi to people.
Taurus
Massell pond is calling your name you stubborn, stunning, fool. You want to go in. You need to go in. It’s Brandeis Bucketlist 101. DO NOT go to Massell quad today or you may find yourself inexplicably taking a dive.
Gemini
You have been known to space out sometimes and forget things often. Today it is important to DOUBLE, no TRIPLE check that you have your ID. A forgetful moment could lead you to use your debit card in one of the fateful card readers that are soooo slow. You will probably die in that line and still be waiting for it to say card accepted.
Cancer
You have a fun weekend ahead of you, no doubt. BUT if you plans are taking you down south street tonight be warned. It may seem all quiet in the neighbour but chances are high a freshman who wandered away from their friends at one of the frat parties might just wander up to you. And vomit all over your shoes. Everywhere. Sounds like a night with bemco and the crying first years is in your future if you don’t play your cards right.
Leo
Leo my radiant queen. You’re good babe. Not even the worst of the Friday the 13th curses could get you today. Your bagels will have the perfect amount of schmear, your class all the way on the other side of campus will be cancelled, and your roommate who ate all your snacks last night will go to the C store to apologize. No miscellaneous strangers hair in your shower today. Just sit back, relax, and watch everyone else’s day descend into chaos. You got this, duh, trust me I would know, I’m a Leo too ;)