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Snapchat: If you look pretty, you’re doing it wrong

The selfies are taking over. They have been accepted into the big bad world of the iPhone as commonplace. The cause of this epidemic? I’ll give you one (made up) word: Snapchat.

For those of you who don’t know (if you don’t know what Snapchat is, I’d consider coming out from whatever classy rock you’re living under and embrace the world of tacky awfulness), Snapchat is a new app that allows you to send pictures of yourself looking super hawt to whatever iPhone-owning recipients you choose, only to exist before the viewers’ eyes for three to 10 seconds.

Known as the “sexting” app among our parents, who only read about it online—on the same websites that tell them Facebook is bad for our generation, LOL—Snapchat is pretty much everywhere. You will often find young folks taking selfies of themselves making stupid faces while walking into oncoming pedestrian traffic, on line for coffee, in class, in bed, on a date (just kidding, who goes on dates anymore), while getting a mani-pedi, shopping, sitting on a bus—pretty much at any given moment of every day ever. As an avid user of Snapchat for the past few months, I’ve come to appreciate all it has given me, other than shame. I know it’s really meant to send nudes to randos, but let’s be real here: if your Snapchat doesn’t have multiple chins, a flared nostril, some sort of tongue-sticking-out action, a ridiculous drawing, or you looking like complete and utter shit, you’re just not quite doing it right. Snapchat is the perfect opportunity to scare your friends and make them feel uncomfortable for a mere four seconds before they have to accept you for who you are: a totally awesome weirdo. The best part? The ugliness and silliness is usually returned in the form of a Snapchat that comes a minute later.

As someone who likes to tell other people what to do, I thought I’d get to the “how to exist according to Elizabeth” part of this post.

Here are a few things I don’t want to see in a Snapchat:

  1. Do not smile like a normal person. That is for muploads, where do you think you are.
  2. Over-exaggerated smiles or expressing actual happiness is fine if it’s because you’re exchanging pictures with me.
  3. Please do not send me a picture of what you’re eating. That is for Instagram. (Unless it’s pizza because pizza is always appreciated.)
  4. If you’re at the most awesomest party with a bunch of people from your hometown that I do not know, do not send me a photo of you holding up a shot glass with your buds. I don’t know or care about them.
  5. Is your makeup perfect? Is your hair perfect? Is the lighting normal? Do you look super abnormally pretty? If so, do not send me a Snapchat unless you plan on drawing moles on your face and/or a crown with a ridiculously profane title on your head. (Creativity is always acceptable.)

Things that I’d love to see in a Snapchat: 

  1. Your shoes. I’ve just decided that this is okay—unless you’re wearing Uggs.
  2. A selfie taken from a low angle, a.k.a. from under a desk during class.
  3. Any kind of facial expression that could substitute for a symbol, like a question mark or exclamation point. 
  4. A really embarrassing place you want to go. Or a store you drive by that you want to explore with a friend. Here is one of my most shameful snaps an example that I definitely found on the Internet. Is the photo quality? Nope. Is the heart even the right shape? Most definitely not.
  1. Deadpan face with a good caption. Ex: “I hate everything.”
  2. Funny items found in Walgreens. Ex: Pajama Jeans.
  3. Hysterics. For example, this is a snap I sent my sister on Sunday night:

Just try and count those chins!

  1. And if all else fails, make fun of yourself or snap your love for Les Miserables.

I don’t really know where any of this was going, and I’m now mortified. So I will add some of the best snaps I’ve ever seen created by the one and only Trevor Tuplin, or Pharaoh of the Snapchat, as I like to call him.

Snapchat is just a fabulous way to distract yourself from life, keep others from progressing, explore how much you really love taking photos of yourself, and procrastinate on pretty much everything. So go wild, unless you’re one of those “alternative” people who owns a freaking Android.

P.S. These have all been real Snapchats, mostly from the last 24 hours. Also, I’m sorry for the excessiveness of my face.

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