You’re single and not loving it. You’re lonely. You’re frustrated, both sexually and emotionally. Being single is hard on anyone, but for you it might feel a lot harder. I know that I felt this way a lot during my freshman year. I dated a few guys, and after every break up, felt more and more alone. During the times when I was single, all I could think about was the fact that I was single. It felt like all my problems would go away if I could just stop being single.
But I found out (the hard way) that there are two problems with that logic. The first is that with that mentality, you end up rebound-dating people that just aren’t right for you, and that in itself is stressful. The second is that sometimes, as much as it sucks, you just have to be single… and hating your single-status doesn’t make it any easier.
My mother always told me that “the second you stop looking for love is when you find it.” There’s actually a lot of truth in that statement. Once I started accepting my single-ness (it wasn’t easy), there were more worthwhile dating opportunities for me. My friendships improved as well, because I wasn’t such a bummer to be around. I also felt better in general because I wasn’t constantly thinking about my non-existent relationship-status. These tips are things I’ve found helpful, and for any of you single ladies out there, they might help you through the tough times.
- Complain appropriately. It may be your first instinct to bitch to all your girlfriends about how much it sucks to be single. But dwelling on it will just make you feel even more single (if that is even possible…) and push your friends away. Instead, pick one or two of your closest friends to confide in about how you are really feeling. Are you feeling lonely? Rejected? Angry? Being single isn’t inherently a bad thing, so if you’re feeling lousy, it’s because something more is bothering you. Being aware of your feelings will help you gain control over them, and sharing them with a trusted friend will strengthen the bond between you. Your friends will appreciate that you are talking to them honestly and maturely, as opposed to whining.
- Focus on strengthening a relationship with a friend. Part of why it hurts to be single is that it feels like you have no one to go to when you need comfort. But you might find that having a friend you can rely on is just as satisfying. Try reaching out more than you normally do. Avoid the protective instinct to put up a wall and isolate yourself, and instead, let your guard down a little with someone you care about. A good friendship will carry you through your single times, your relationships, and your breakups.
- Don’t beat yourself up. You are allowed to feel unhappy when you’re single. You don’t have to feel guilty because your friends (appear) to be enjoying their independence and you’re not, or because the lyrics to “Stronger” make you want to punch Kelly Clarkson in the face. If you’re sad, that’s okay! Believe it or not, accepting your feelings will actually make you feel better–at the very least, it will take a load off your shoulders.
- Find at least one new thing that you enjoy. I’m sure you already realize that being single leaves a lot of spare time on your hands. Use that time to find a new hobby, sport, TV show, exercise routine—anything really—that you love. The more things you enjoy on your own, the easier it will feel to be single.
- Get help. If you’re feeling so lonely that you become depressed, angry, or anxious, it’s not your fault. These feelings could be part of a mood or anxiety disorder. Make an appointment with a therapist at school. A professional can help you find ways to deal with your emotions so they don’t feel so overwhelming.