Back In (Rebecca) Black

Today is the day I become famous. Because today, I solve all of Rebecca Black’s problems. 

Who is Rebecca Black, you ask? I have no idea. On Sunday night (note: today is Thursday, I’ll come back to the order that the days of the week go in later), her video “Friday” popped up on my facebook feed with about 20,000 views. Today (once again, Thursday), the video has 12 million views. 12 MILLION! So I had to check it out.

Well Ms. Black, since you’ve popped out of literally nowhere and into every means of communication I partake in, you have my full attention. It seems you have a few issues to address. And missed the deadline for my 5 Worst Songs Ever article.  So let’s deal with this like adults would; if you can try and imagine what that will entail ten years from now when you turn 18. 

Problem number 1: You seem to have something stuck up your nostrils.
You may think I’m some kind of guru. After all you never tilted your head up in the whole music video (of course not, how could you miss even one valuable second of keeping freakishly perfect eye contact with the camera). Well, I’m no guru, it just struck me as odd that your voice sounds a lot like Donald Duck’s. 

Solution number 1: Tweezers
You can thank me later, right now run to your nearest pharmacy, pick up a pair of tweezers for $3.99 and take care of that problem quick! Before you suffocate! Or start to sing again.

Problem number 2: You seem to misunderstand how cereal works.
I know, I know, it’s odd to think that cereal comes IN a bowl, not in addition to one. But as a word of advice, it’s implied that your cereal will come complete with said bowl: you can save us that extra information. Oh crap, I gave away my solution early. 

Problem number 3: Your parents’ taxes pay for that bus you never took…and school you never went to.
On the off chance that your very unique singing voice and complete lack of rhythm don’t get you to Hollywood, you need to get an education! 

Solution number 3: Adderall
I’m not suggesting you self-medicate. But it seems you get quite easily distracted. First you’re waiting for the bus and all of a sudden: you see your friends! Now you’re confused about seating arrangements. All within two seconds of waking up! Slow it down, meds will help. 

Problem number 4: You seem to think there’s more than one possible place for you to sit in a car with four people in it. 
I can see how the decision about seating would be confusing. But you’re gonna lose those friends if you keep making them sit around and wait for you to figure out which seat you want, then have them move around accordingly.

Solution number 4: Plan Ahead
I’m glad to see you finally settled on the seat that was open, but for the future you should really call and make seating arrangements ahead of time if it’s that serious..

Problem number 5: You’re going to fall out of the back of a convertible and die before you’re even old enough to sit in the front seat. 
This is a two part problem. The first part is that you’re driving underage. Tsk Tsk. The second is that to the best of my knowledge they don’t install seat belts on the trunks of convertibles. How are you not splattered on the sidewalk?

Solution number 5: Sit. Down.
And stop singing. 

Problem number 6: Who is that random chick on your left?
You seem to mention your friend is to your right. So where did you pick up the one on your left? And why are you hugging her? You don’t know where she’s been. From my understanding you don’t even know who she is!

Solution number 6:
Push her out of the car. That’s what she gets for sitting like that while you’re on the highway.

Problem number 7: Saying “fun” quickly and repeatedly won’t make the fun come.
As a matter of fact almost everyone at your party seems pretty miserable. 

Solution number 7: Play spin the bottle
That always livened up parties when I was in middle school.

Problem number 8: You You You You should be so excited to go to school on Monday.
Because your grammar sucks, you’re not really pronouncing Friday correctly (fried eggs?), and you seem to be needing a visual aide to keep the days of the week straight. This goes back to problem number 3: stop skipping school! How are you going to get to the tenth grade if you only know Thursday-Sunday exist? No good.

Problem number 9: Your song gets stuck in my head every time someone says Friday. And there are 52 Fridays each year. 

I guess this is more my problem than yours. But honestly, will someone just admit this is a joke already? I think it would help me a little bit. I don’t have a solution for this one, so if anyone wants to offer it, I would be much obliged. 

Here is her video, just in case you are one of the twenty people left who haven’t heard the song. Let us know what you love most. But be warned: you will never see Fridays the same way again. 

Updated 3/18/2011 (FRIDAY)

Here is Rebecca’s ACOUSTIC version of the song. She wanted to prove to the world she really could sing. Take up a new hobby, Rebecca, and let those prison inmates off your set. The autotune wasn’t the only problem.