The Abstract Image of ‘Healthy’

*Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders and Body Dysmorphia*

I love to think of myself as a perfectly healthy young woman.

Healthy. Funny word, isn’t it? We all want to be this, healthy we speak of!

We eat our portions of fruits and vegetables.

We have protein, carbs, healthy fats.

We have breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

We enjoy snacks in between to not ruin our appetites but to simply maintain ourselves.

We have green, blue, purple, rainbow smoothies.

“Looks gross but actually tastes great!”

We sometimes forget to go grab lunch and it’s

Healthy.

We drink plentiful amounts of water.

We have breakfast and dinner.

We enjoy a snack but not before glancing at the calories.

“I’m just looking!” We enjoy a snack

We eat more salads, fewer carbs. #goals

We go out to dinner and pick the tastiest (veggie) burger and don’t skimp on dessert.

We go out to dinner and pick the 800 calories (veggie) burger and don’t skimp on the 500 calorie dessert.

We drink plentiful amounts of water, energy drinks, soda, coffee, tea, antioxidant drinks.

Bai has only 5 calories!!

Water has no calories.

We have dinner then don’t eat for 16+ hours.

We had enough.

Healthy.

We swap dense for light.

We swap light for dense.

We have breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

We have only spoonfuls of hummus and 2 pita chips grabbed from the bag.

We have breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

We measure.

We ignore numbers and eat what we like.

We believe health isn’t defined by numbers.

We also believe healthy is only numbers.

We are an equation that is height +  weight = perfection.

Perfection.

Damn.

We enjoy snacks instead of meals.

We eat only salads.

We eat only green, blue, purple, rainbow smoothies.

We forget to grab breakfast, lunch,

We forget.

We have protein, carbs, healthy fats.

We go out to dinner and pick the tastiest (veggie) burger and don’t skimp on dessert.

We drink plentiful amounts of water.

We have dinner then eat.

We have dinner then don’t eat.

We eat our portions of fruits and vegetables.

We have only spoonfuls of hummus we ate in secrecy.

We have 7 bites of that chocolate cake we bought for our mom’s birthday.

We have 7 bites of that chocolate cake alone in the kitchen hours after the celebration.

We designate it permissible when no one is around.

We drink plentiful amounts of energy drinks, soda, coffee, tea, antioxidant drinks.

We have only plates full of hummus and pita chips.

We eat more carbs, less salad.

We don’t eat our portions of fruits and vegetables.

We have dinner then eat an entire bag of Reese’s pieces.

We hadn’t had enough.

We swap dense for denser and light for lighter.

We eat.

We don’t eat.

We eat.

We don’t eat.

Healthy.

You look in the mirror.

You perform body checks. You dance in the mirror that is covered in ‘I am me and that is enough for today’.

You dance in the mirror that is covered in ‘I am a survivor, I am a fighter’.

You dance in the mirror then stop.

You body check.

You don’t body check because you know that is meaningless.

You blast “Lions” by Skip Marley because that is the vibe of this moment.

You turn it on so loud it drowns out the fact that,

You just went out to dinner and picked the tastiest (veggie) burger.

You didn’t skimp on dessert because you didn’t want to.

You didn’t skimp on dessert because your friends forced you.

You skipped dessert.

You skipped dinner.

You keep dancing and blast “Lions” by Skip Marley.

You shape your hands into a heart on your stomach.

You love yourself.

I love myself.

I am a perfectly healthy young woman.

You are #bodypositive and #recoveryispossible.

You are #relapseispossible.

You have a smile so strong, so powerful and no food, no caloric value can break you dammit!

You have a smile so strong.

You have a smile so weak

You have a smile so hidden.

You can have peace.

You are #acceptanceispossible.

You have a smile so strong and beautiful and yet as you look into this mirror you see the snow that hasn’t fallen yet, but to you it is a blizzard, and when you’re offered a condescendingly comforting mug of chai it will immediately be split down into your soul that feels like a void, freezing, thawing and thriving as ‘the struggle’ becomes easier to bear when you reach for that extra 200 calories cookie but only comes back to hit you square in the face like a young child who didn’t see the soccer ball coming, only that soccer ball is change.

Change.

No,

A challenge.

Has what I’ve said confused us?

Has what I’ve said confused you?

Cause it should have.

Now,

Imagine the person who experiences this.

Once

Twice

Every month

Every week

Every day

Every moment.

We all want to be this, healthy we speak of!

Healthy.

Funny word, isn’t it?