A terrible crime has happened. A crime so terrible, so horrible, I am not sure if you can handle the truth! Walk into any major store to see the crime. Where there were once shelves full of ghoulish, ghastly, albeit garish Halloween décor, there is now a terrible figure in its place. The perpetrator of these crimes sits atop a throne of pine and gingerbread. Looking down at us from their desolate, wintry fortress Laughing. Waiting. Caroling. Christmas: The Halloween Murderer.
Don’t get me wrong, Christmas is a perfectly fine holiday – if you love capitalism and materialism that is. Oh, you aren’t a fan of disappointing small children when you don’t get them all of the toys and three new puppies? Not comfortable with a fictional man who breaks into your home and leaves unchecked packages under the tree? Might I offer a solution? A holiday focused on protection. A holiday full of popular content. A holiday that just looks better. We will not stand for these injustices any longer. Halloween must not be killed in vain!
While Christmas celebrates Capitalism, Halloween has origins in the Celtic festival of Samhain. On this day, it was said that the realities between the living and the dead became blurred, allowing the spirits of the deceased to roam free. The Celts feared these spirits would destroy their crops and disrupt their society. Interestingly enough, druids (Celtic Priests) believed that this day allowed them more accurate predictions of the future due to the presence of these undead spirits. To ward them off, the priests would build massive pyres of fire, lighting them at sunset and keeping them active until sunrise the next day. Jack-O-Lanterns today can take their inspiration from these ancient pyres. Point Halloween.
From a popular culture perspective, Halloween movies simply outclass their wintry counterparts. I’ll give Christmas Elf, which is a cinematic masterpiece. But for every Elf, there is a Home Alone. Seriously? One of the most “beloved” Christmas movies revolves around a kid who will develop abandonment issues in his early 20s all while trying to not get murdered by some goons. Halloween has the Halloweentown Trilogy (yes trilogy we do not talk about the fourth movie), every slasher film from Scream to Halloween, and how can we forget Hocus Pocus?! Spooky Scary Skeletons. If you did not read that in the voice, you’re not fooling anyone. Monster Mash IS a graveyard smash. This Is Halloween? A masterpiece. What does Christmas offer? Only the agonizing screams of retail workers across the world when Mariah Carey hits that first G chord. Bottom line? Halloween has the better content.
What about décor? Ever tried to chop down a tree? Pretty difficult to do. And you are increasing your carbon footprint on top of it. Pumpkins…pumpkins are simple. And can be readily turned into cool-looking Jack-O-Lanterns that we learned fend off evil spirits. There is also so much more versatility and creativity with Halloween. You can only dress up a tree so many ways before it’s tired. But Halloween? You could make a spooky graveyard, a wonderous enchanted forest, a maze of spider webs! Unlimited potential! Plus, whoever decided that green and red are a solid pair should really see an optometrist. Orange and Black? Now those are some cool colors.
Jurors, I implore you to see the guilt in the eyes of Christmas. It is not even Halloween, yet there is a lack of spirit found all around us. For every cauldron or pumpkin, there are bunches of mistletoe and so much garland you can’t tell where one strand ends and another begins. I am not asking for much. Just ONE month to let Halloween have its fair share. Take November! Should we really be celebrating colonization anyway? Look at those red and green eyes, those rosy cheeks, the ever-present smell of cinnamon and desolation. Guilty is Christmas for impeding Halloween. Guilty is Christmas for consuming our lives October through December. Guilty is Christmas for the murder of Halloween.