Everyone deserves to be loved. But sometimes it can be hard to find or we don’t know what it looks like. I think love looks different for everyone depending on how they grew up or what they desire. As a child, my definition of love was created around fairytales. I thought that once you found your person, the rest of your life would be happily ever after. I have identified that as my life goal: find love and experience pure happiness. Let’s face it, real life is not as cookie-cutter as the movies portray it to be. Once I got to the dating stage, I realized it’s not just about finding a guy who is interested in you. You have to work at the relationship and knowing what you want honestly comes from experience. So what does a healthy relationship look like?
My parents were never seen giving each other affection or working together as a team. Their divorce also didn’t help in designing a template for me of what I should expect in a healthy relationship. I admit it, I’ve been out with a lot of guys but I think the trial and error was what helped me grow and appreciate what I have now. Dating has always been a serious game for me. I drove myself crazy searching for the red flags just so I could avoid a divorce in my future.
I really do think you find the most genuine people when you don’t have to try. That’s how I met my person, my boyfriend, my best friend. Perhaps I got lucky. Our friendship turned into a relationship and it is sometimes hard for me to believe that it is even real because of all the sh*tty guys I’ve encountered. I want to share with you what I believe are the most important pieces to a healthy relationship. I am not saying that your relationship has to look like mine, but it is important to be aware that you are happy and what happiness looks like for you. I would identify the most important pieces to a relationship as: communication, trust, respect, and staying true to yourself.
Communication/Trust
Communication and trust go hand in hand. Keeping a healthy balance of communication via text is important or it could lead to misunderstandings. Especially for us girlies who overthink everything! Expecting a text back every second is unreal whereas not hearing back from them in 15+ hours is unbearable. Keep communication open about your feelings and whereabouts. Or in arguments, admit you are wrong when the time comes. In times of sadness or anger, you may not always know what to say or have the solutions to their problems. Just listening and providing reassurance is the best remedy. Being an open book leads to trust too. Your partner shouldn’t need your social media passwords to prove you aren’t cheating on them. Having a fear of losing your partner to someone else or thinking they are “above your league” are not qualities of a healthy relationship. As Yoda says in Star Wars: Episode I, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” For example, over the weekend, my boyfriend and I were at a bar with a group of friends. This girl came up to my boyfriend to talk to him until she saw me. She said, “Are you two together? I’m so sorry. I just think your boyfriend is very attractive.” This interaction did not bother me at all, it was an honest mistake, and if anything a compliment. I don’t have to feel jealous because I trust my boyfriend will always choose me.
Respect
Respect can be shown through multiple actions such as recognizing boundaries, acknowledgment, honesty, and support. I think what most young couples forget in their relationship is human-recognition respect. As a woman, it’s fun to put on a cute outfit, curl my hair, and do my makeup to impress my boyfriend. However, it is important to know that people are not going to be or look their best every day. This was a hard concept for me to overcome since in my past relationships, I would wear makeup all the time, wear my best outfits, and suck in my stomach. I felt like I was an object and had to put on a show just to keep them interested in me. Now, my boyfriend and I wear sweatpants almost all the time, I only wear makeup on special occasions, and I always have a messy bun going on. For example, on New Year’s Eve, my boyfriend and I had a party to go to, but I got sick with a nasty virus. Instead of going to the party and leaving me home alone, he stayed with me. Not once did he make me feel guilty or gross for coughing and blowing my nose. That is human-recognition respect.
Staying True to Yourself
In a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t have to change yourself or your beliefs. Under this category is the ability to be independent and okay without having your significant other with you 24/7. I truly suggest taking time for your self-care, continuing to practice your hobbies, being with your friends, and doing what makes you happy as an individual. Perhaps it is the key to keeping the honeymoon phase still alive even after a year. When we hang out, we usually do the same things: cook dinner, maybe play a game, watch a movie, and cuddle. Every single time, I get so excited because it’s simply fun being with him. We are so comfortable with each other that he genuinely is my best friend and there are no icks. One of my friends mentioned, “Once you get the ick for a guy, it’s over.” Which is why you should never settle for less. Perchance you have heard the phrase that, “love is full of sacrifices.” Personally, I don’t think those sacrifices are for your health, goals, or beliefs. But rather sacrificing your time and going out of your way to make sure your person is happy. If your partner can’t come to a compromise with your needs, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
There are so many people getting married and engaged at such a young age. Therefore, it can be easy to feel like you are behind or you have to rush a relationship just to keep up with new social norms. But being certain of your feelings for your partner and being stable is more important than joining a “trend.” Remember that it is okay to make huge life decisions like marriage in your own time. For further information regarding healthy relationships, visit What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?