As defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, “pick-me” is “a slang term for a person, usually a young woman, seen as behaving in a contemptible way for attention and approval, usually from male peers.” Examples of pick-me-girl behavior include:
- Claiming to be “unlike other girls”
- Pretending to be interested in masculine activities
- Putting down one’s female peers for male validation
- Acting submissive and/or belittling oneself for male attention
The term went viral on TikTok in 2020 and has stuck ever since. Although its exact origins aren’t clear, it can be traced back to a scene from the drama Grey’s Anatomy, in which female character Meredith Grey begs male character Derek Shepard, “Pick me, choose me, love me” (over his estranged wife).
From this definition, it is apparent that calling a girl a “pick-me” isn’t a good thing. One may justify using the term because pick-me’s themselves degrade and poke fun at other women, especially if said women participate in female activities “like all the other girls.”
However, I’ve found that many women who claim to be feminists are extremely hostile towards so-called pick-me girls because they simply don’t understand why another woman would value the opinions of men so deeply as to insult other girls. It’s prevalent that the term “pick-me” not only divides women, it forces them against one another. But instead of using this term to categorize a large population of women, shouldn’t we be trying to better understand why these women are acting this way?
One might consider the opposite of a pick-me girl being a “girl’s girl.” These are women who (as defined by Urban Dictionary) “have respect for female etiquette… a girl who is not petty and strives to be ethical and decent in her dealings with her female friends.”
Essentially, girl’s girls are not concerned with the opinions of men when it comes to their female friendships. They put their girls first, regardless of any sexual/romantic relations they may have outside of their circle, showcasing how deeply they value their girlfriends.
As a self-proclaimed girl’s girl, I can’t help but notice there are many imposters among us. One cannot claim to put other girls first but then beat down other women for wanting male validation. This type of name-calling has no place in uplifting other women. That, in a sense, is the opposite of being “decent” in one’s “dealings with female friends.” In saying this, it’s obvious that faking being a girl’s girl is just as degrading to other women as exhibiting pick-me behavior.
Pick-me girls aren’t the problem. What matters is that these women have been taught to believe that the opinions of men are of greater value to them than their female relationships. This behavior is rooted in an internal sense of misogyny, in which women truly believe their value resides in the men they please, which couldn’t be more wrong.
Instead of hating on women who fiercely value male validation, we should be encouraging them to reflect on how detrimental this can be to their own self-esteem. A girl should not feel obligated to act a certain way or put down her friends solely to please a boy, but so many of us have been taught the opposite. It may be difficult to be in the presence of pick-me behavior and not feel annoyed or angry—and this reaction isn’t always a controllable one. What matters most, however, is reminding yourself who set up this cycle of internalized misogyny.
Name-calling other girls has to stop. It is terribly harmful to the feminist movement, which values the acceptance and understanding of all women, to label other girls as “pick-me.” If you truly consider yourself to be a “girl’s girl,” you are better off communicating with your friends who exhibit pick-me behavior, explaining to them how it is harming your friendship. Although pick-me behaviors are detrimental to feminism, the label itself pits women against each other, distracting us from the real problem at hand:
Women, even in the year of 2025, have been taught to make themselves smaller, quieter, and more manageable for their male counterparts.
It’s time that we resist the narrative that women need to appease men in order to be successful and happy. This patriarchal mindset will only further divide women if we aren’t willing to address it head-on. Degrading other women, regardless of how you do it, gets us nowhere.
Girls, support other girls. Support strong girls. Support loud girls and quiet girls. Support girls that you don’t understand. Support girls who struggle to support themselves. Support girls, because in a society that depends upon on us putting one another down, we’re a whole lot better off building each other up.