I have always been secure in my Blackness, but being in an interracial relationship has shown me how quickly others feel entitled to question it.
Being in an interracial relationship for a little over a year has given me a new perspective on how interracial relationships are treated, viewed, and judged. My partner and I have both experienced pushback and the occasional judgmental look, but I, personally, as a Black woman with Black friends who love and cherish her Blackness, have been viewed as less Black because of my partner’s skin color.
I grew up two minutes from the University of Cincinnati and graduated from a high school with over 3,500 students. My boyfriend, Asher, grew up in a small town in Ohio, and his graduating class was around 150 people. Even beyond our skin color, we grew up very differently and had many different experiences, and I think that is part of what makes us work so well.
We met on a dating app and started dating in November of 2024. I can’t speak for him, but I was nervous to tell my parents about him. My parents love everyone regardless of skin color, but with the current climate of the world, I wasn’t sure how they would react or accept him. My parents don’t get many chances to see him since we live two hours away, but they have been supportive because he makes me happy. They don’t treat him any differently than any Black boyfriend I have had and judge him based on how he treats me and his character, not the color of his skin. His family has done the same for me, welcoming me and getting to know me based on who I am, not the fact that I am Black.
So why does everyone else feel the need to judge and have an opinion about our relationship?
One thing I constantly hear from friends and acquaintances is “your white man,” “what’s that white man doing,” and many different variations of that. I don’t understand why people feel the need to point out and emphasize the fact that my boyfriend is white, but they rarely realize how strange or uncomfortable it makes me feel. No one would ever say to a Black woman dating a Black man, “How is that Black man doing,” and no one would say to a white man dating a white woman, “How is that white girl doing?” So why, when a couple has different racial backgrounds, does that become the center of attention?
Because I am a Black woman, I receive far more looks and judgment than my partner does. When I first started dating him, someone told me that he probably only liked me because I was “whitewashed.” I didn’t respond. I have received “whitewashed” comments more than once in the year I have been happily in this relationship.
This is the definition of whitewashed: “When used as an adjective to describe a person of color, it is often a derogatory or critical label used by others in their community. It implies that the person has lost touch with their ancestral culture, assimilated entirely into the dominant (White American) culture, or adopted ‘White’ mannerisms or lifestyles.”
Firstly, I don’t need to—and shouldn’t ever have to—defend my Blackness. Secondly, what the hell?
We also occasionally receive compliments that aren’t really compliments. Multiple times, people have commented on how cute our kids are going to be and how great their hair will be. I understand that people mean this as a compliment, and in some ways it is, but comments about our future children’s hair are unnecessary and rooted in stereotypes.
I was recently told that our child is going to be a “walking abomination” because they will be biracial and possibly have red hair because my boyfriend is ginger. I am not sure if it was meant to be a compliment or if it was initially rude but regardless it was unnecessary.
At the end of the day, people need to realize that they have no place commenting on my relationship or any interracial relationship. The only thing that anyone should ever be concerned about, especially people close to me, is if I am happy and I am. And that is all that matters.
Hopefully, sharing my experience will open people’s eyes to the everyday comments and judgments they make, even if they were never intentional, and change the way interracial relationships are judged.
Happy Valentine’s Day and Happy Black History Month!