I’m sitting in the chair, clipboard in one hand, a pen in the other. I’m chaotically tapping my foot on the ground while twirling the pen in my fingers. I read the checklist on the page, and I start checking boxes all in a row vertically. Sweaty palms? Check. Racing heartbeat? Check. Shaking? Check once again. So on and so forth, I keep checking the boxes of my many symptoms, and half of them I didn’t even realize were irregular when being in a social setting with new or unfamiliar people. Everything checks out, I do in fact have social anxiety.
Let’s back up. In my younger elementary school days, I was the kid who swung on the swings by herself every day at recess. Why need friends when I have myself? My mom kept telling me I needed to talk to people, but I simply refused. I was labeled as just being shy, that’s it. I didn’t have many friends in grade school— being quiet and having an “rbf” isn’t exactly the best and approachable combination either— but I was content with that. It wasn’t until freshman year of high school I realized that being nervous talking to new or unfamiliar people is not typical. Then I realized that was my issue before; I was too nervous to make more friends. I decided to push that aside for the time being, I had my friends, and that was all I needed. Sure, when teachers would pick popsicle sticks to call on students I would sweat, or doing a presentation in front of the class made me breathe heavily, but I was so used to it I didn’t think twice about it.
In June 2021, I started my first-ever job as a newly 16-year-old. It’s a typical teenage fast-food job. For the first couple of months, I didn’t talk to many people–—I actually only talked to people that decided to talk to me first— with it being my first job ever, and having anxiety, it was very overwhelming for me and I would get flustered going in every day. As the months went on and as I got comfortable, I had fun at work with my friends some days and became sociable there. I started to get new random physical symptoms, such as irregular bowel movements. When I brought it up at my physical to my doctor and everything was medically cleared, she gave me and my mom a list of therapy centers.
In March 2022, I started therapy, and it was confirmed that I have social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). These diagnoses made me realize why living my life had been so difficult. Social anxiety is a more common diagnosis, so I feel like that statistic dilutes how people perceive the disorder, and it’s “not that serious.” It inhibits me from doing very normal things such as asking for extra sauce packets at a fast food place or correcting a waiter at a restaurant. Even ordering food alone at a fast food place or restaurant made me extremely anxious. Making important phone calls was its own horror, and I would avoid it if possible. Starting college felt like a nightmare because in order to make friends, I had to talk to new people in person.
Being in a new setting made my GAD flare up so the task seemed even more impossible and daunting. My lifeline in school right now is rooming with my best friend that I have had since fourth grade. She’s still my main friend halfway through my first semester, although I just started college, the thought of going out of my comfort zone is terrifying. I have hung out with other people, but it was only once per person, and I can’t even describe how nervous I was going out with new people. I am doing better than I was, but I still have a long road ahead of me and learning how to cope with my anxiety in a new social setting.
Here’s the link to the BGSU counseling center if you need or want to get mental health help.