I always knew I wanted to go away for college, it’s just what felt right for me. What I didn’t know was that at the end of my junior year of high school, I was going to meet the love of my life and someday have to be separated by a pretty long drive. (I try to avoid saying long-distance because 3 hours isn’t *that* long, but it’s definitely longer than the average mid-distance and makes it inconvenient to see each other often.) All you ever hear anymore is that “long distance doesn’t work” and “not to take a boyfriend to college,” but the reality is there is no one-size-fits-all statement that encapsulates the college experience while in a distanced relationship.
I’ll give a little bit of a disclaimer here. Sure, if your partner isn’t the right person for you, the relationship will probably not last through distance separation. I’m not trying to say you should stick it out through a toxic or unfulfilling relationship just because it’s worked for me. But as the great Lana del Rey once said, “When you know, you know.” And for me, I have always known that my relationship is worth the struggle of being hours apart most of the time. We’d already been together for over a year when I started college, and now I’m going to graduate just after our 4-year anniversary.
Being separated from the person you love most in the world is hard, that goes without saying. Long-distance comes with the hardships of being apart on holidays like Valentine’s Day because it falls in the middle of the week, spending weekends alone because all your friends are spending time with their partners, having to coordinate planned times to talk to each other because of your busy schedules, and having to set aside money for gas expenses on visit weekends, not to mention the pain of not being able to hug the person you love for weeks at a time. We won’t be able to spend our anniversary together this year because of graduation, and our commencement ceremonies are on the same day, so we’ll be apart for that milestone too. It’s painful, I won’t lie, because I am so proud of him and all he has accomplished, but can’t show up to prove it. The longest I’ve gone is just over a month, and I never want to do that again. No one understands the true pain of the situation until they experience it for themselves. You feel silly for being upset about it, or you feel like you shouldn’t be complaining because at least you have a significant other.
You may not get much sympathy from others, in fact, you might even be met with some hostility from others. I’ve been told, “If you knew you’d have to do long-distance, why didn’t you stay home for school?” Answer there: my degree wasn’t offered at an accredited school near my home, and I also love it here, thank you very much! I’ve also heard, “It’s probably not going to last.” My response: in a month and a half I’m going to have a degree in my hand and the man I want to marry has stuck by me the entire time. If who you’re with is who you’re meant to be with, it WILL last.
Despite all the bad stuff, and there’s a lot of it, there are some silver linings to going through long-distance. Having this experience will give you communication skills in a way that nothing else does. I once had a conversation about this with a friend going through it at the same time as me, and we agreed that we see a difference in our relationships compared to literally everyone else. Healthy distanced couples know how to handle conflicts through talking and how to resolve them calmly and quickly, because all we have is talking most of the time. It’s an experience that really accelerates the emotional maturity of your relationship, because the only options you have are to talk about how you’re feeling or internalize everything and make matters worse. I’ve seen couples my age having full-on fights about the littlest of things that could easily be rectified with a mature conversation, but they don’t have the skills to do that yet, and it almost makes me grateful for the distance between us. It also makes your time together that much more special. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder,” they say. You won’t believe me until you feel it for yourself, but it’s true.
Here’s a secret: these college years go by so fast. If you’re struggling, take heart knowing it’ll be over before you realize it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: it feels like the days apart will never end, and it feels like everyone is counting against you. But nothing lasts forever and if you want to make it work, you absolutely can. Don’t lose hope, and stick with it. It’s not the end of the world and it certainly won’t cause the end of your relationship if there’s no reason to call it quits. Love knows no bounds, distance included. My advice is to be open and honest with your partner about everything you’re feeling throughout the time you’re spending apart so that when you see each other again, you’re not holding onto anything negative that could be avoided.
Your relationship is not defined by the stereotypes others have given it, and I believe anyone can make anything work, if it’s meant to be.
Sincerely,
A lover girl who’s been doing this for a while <3