In two months I’ll turn 20, which has caused me to do a lot of reflecting and I’ve come to the conclusion that I owe a lot of my happiest moments to the time I’ve spent with my female friends. I’ve always known I couldn’t have managed without them and everyone deservers that kind of support, so here’s five tips about friendships. Disclaimer: this is what has worked for me, it’s not perfect and might not work for all the friendships out there.
1. show them that they matter
It’s never a bad idea to remind someone we love and appreciate them, especially the people you think already know that because you don’t want them to have forgotten. For me I just follow their love language. My friend whose love language is gift giving has received a birthday gift every year I’ve known her. For my friends whose love language is quality time, I try and spend all the time she needs together. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive all it takes is a 20 second friendship TikTok to get the point across.
2. let them have other friends
One of the most important lessons I’ve had to overcome throughout my friendships is the idea that your friend having other friends invalidates your friendship. As me and my friends have grown we’ve met different people at our separate colleges, jobs and life experiences. The new bonds they make with them does not lessen ours. Jealous friendships never last, it makes the friendship insecure not strong. Its hard sometimes but we have to remember that them loving more people doesn’t make them love us any less.
3. exclusive friendships and “I Have more friends than you” friendships are Toxic
This one might be a more personal one that most people can’t relate to, but friends that have exclusive and cliche-like friendships are annoying and hard to deal with. What I mean by this is friends who say, “I’m hanging out with my friends, so I can’t hang out with you.” More than the words it’s way it makes you feel. Like it’s this better, exclusive friendship your not good enough to be included in. I know some people have circles of friends that they don’t overlap and that’s fine, but that should be because they’re not the same kind of people and not because someone isn’t good enough to hang out with them. This is also kind of related to the: I have more friends than you types of friendships. I don’t want to be friends with people that make it a competition of who has more friends. If your surrounded by either of these types of friendships it’s not healthy. Friendships shouldn’t make you feel like your not good enough and that you’ve got to compete in some made up competition. If your friends make you feel like that than your in the wrong friendships.
4. there are different types of friendships
A good friendship doesn’t compare itself. All friendships are different so don’t compare you and your best friend’s relationship to someone else’s. It’s okay if you talk 2,000 times per day and it’s okay if you talk 20. I have friends that I talk to everyday in person. I have long distance friends that I text everyday and I have long distance friends that I text every two weeks. All of that is okay and doesn’t make your friendship less or more of anything.
5. sometimes you get and sometimes you give
I feel like this goes for any type of relationship, but a relationship is a balance between giving a little and getting a little. I had a friend who I felt like I would do anything for and she never really returned the favor, it felt like that, anyways. It was tiring. Sometimes you have to reach out first and sometimes you have to sacrifice doing what you want to do, and in return your friends should do the same for you. And that’s what a friendship should be, a little give and a little get.
I hope these five tips have given a little advice on what to do and what to avoid in friendships because everyones deserve good friends! And friends should make you feel validated, rested, comfortable, and well loved, remember that!
“Nearly everything I know about love, I’ve learnt from my long-term friendships with women.”
― Dolly Alderton, Everything I Know About Love