This is a question that lots of people struggle to find an answer to.
If you didn’t grow up seeing healthy love , if you didn’t see calm, civil conversation, meaningful apologies, positive affection, and emotional security, how are you supposed to be able to give those things to someone else? Where do you learn to give nurturing love if you have never received that? How do you offer something you have never been given?
For many of us, love is the foundation of a lot of things in our lives, our love for our jobs and or professions, the songs we listen to, the foods we eat, the people we surround ourselves with. But love for a lot of people is also confusing. It was shown to them as distant, cold, chaotic, unsettling , abusive even. When love is inconsistent , it teaches you survival instead of meaningful connections. Many are taught to bottle up their emotions instead of expressing them, and to protect themselves instead of being vulnerable and allowing others in, they shield themselves, and keep themselves closed off from others. Tactics that can be seen as instability.
That’s where fear settles in.
If love were as internalized as something dysfunctional, how do you break away from such a pattern? How do you shake off toxic internalized habits to give healthy love to the people around you?
The truth is, we often mirror the things that we’ve experienced in our lifetime, especially things seen during our early years. The way we communicate with others, how we go about conflict, how we express ourselves, and how we display affection. Without healthy love shown, it’s almost like rebuilding your perception of love from scratch.
But with all that said, not experiencing healthy love doesn’t mean you are incapable of showing it or receiving it in a healthy, nurturing way.
In some cases, the absence of love becomes the very reason someone learns how to give it. Not receiving nurturing, healthy affection can create a deep commitment to making sure others never feel that same emptiness.
Healthy love might not come naturally at first. Vulnerability might feel uncomfortable. Apologizing might feel unfamiliar. You might have to pause when your instinct is to shut down. You might have to unlearn habits that once protected you but now keep you distant.
That’s not a weakness. That’s growth.
You are not limited to what you were given. You can choose to communicate differently. You can choose patience over pride. You can choose to build the kind of love you wish you had.
And sometimes, the most powerful kind of love is the one that says,
“I didn’t receive this. But I’m choosing to give it anyway.”