This is the fourth installment of our new advice column.
Dear Emily,
I have a friend who has recently started to get really upset when she doesn’t end the night with someone. I have a boyfriend so this isn’t something that I really think about and I was wondering how I can help her think back positively on a single night out that she ends alone in her own bed.
Signed,
Troubled in the Tower
The concept of the “failed weekend” represents a really dangerous ideology that seems to be affecting a lot of girls on college campuses. We put on our sexiest I’m-not-trying-that-hard tops (or a t-shirt if we’re a boy), and spray perfume in all the right places (or wear deodorant). We pregame by dancing to our favorite songs about getting drunk and hooking up and go out ready to party. We dance suggestively with our friends or chill by the ruit table until we get noticed. We do a little dance, make some small talk… and then walk ourselves home? Any girl who put in all the necessary preparations to end the night with a new friend – i.e. leg shaving, sexy underwear choosing, bed making – wouldn’t be entirely satisfied. And who can blame her?Â
A collegeiette™ is independent, determined and hardworking – it’s only natural that she should be disappointed when she falls short of achieving her goal. For many women that I’ve talked to about this, the most frustrating part of it all is that we are independent, determined and hardworking – why should we judge our night based on who we went home with? Or, worse and far more frightening for most of us, need a man to make our night fun? The answers to the above are, of course, we shouldn’t and we don’t. Again, the sense of failure when a girl goes out with a certain aim and doesn’t succeed is totally and completely understandable and normal. It certainly does not mean that she’s dependent on men for her happiness or desperate: it’s a simple case of failed (s)expectations.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling lonely or unattractive after spending a night futilely flirting or dancing with boys we’re not that interested in. But next time you find yourself in this position, consider this: Are you unhappy because you’re alone in your twin sized, and therefore meant for one person, bed; or because you spent an entire night trying not to be and not having any fun in the process? Ask yourself: did you really care about how the baseball team’s season is going or how much he lifts? And how much did you actually enjoy his band’s very loud rendition of Sweet Home Alabama? Were you enjoying dancing with him, or feeling held back by his awkward hip swings and unfortunate grabbing? Chances are if you went out with the sole intention of hooking up, you’re embarrassed to admit the answers to all of the above.
This is not at all to say that flirting and dancing can’t be a lot of fun. It is to say, however, that you have to be doing it for the sake of fun in order to look back on it fondly, whether or not it ends in a hook-up. The mindset of ending the night home alone and equating to failure can’t be fixed after the fact, it has to start with the pregame and continue into going out. When you get dressed wear the jeans you feel most attractive and happiest in, even if they also take you about ten minutes of struggle to get off, and when you’re out, dance without looking around to see who’s watching (and definitely skip the tiresome conversations with Mr. Baseball and the singer/bassist).
If you go out with the intention of enjoying yourself and find a good party, your chances of going home feeling successful are pretty high. Plus, if you’re having a good time alone, you’re much more likely to attract new friends and be that other kind of successful too… so no harm in shaving your legs, just in case.
Photo source: girl on bed