This is the second installment of HC Bowdoin’s new advice column. See the first here. Ask Emily anything at the bottom!
Hey Emily,
I’ve been with my boyfriend long distance since we both started college and I’ve recently started to feel like I’m missing out on some part of the college experience. Cleary I still love him, I’m just having some second thoughts about our commitment. I’ve read articles on HerCampus and other sites about long distance relationships but I’m looking for advice. Any thoughts?
Signed,
Wondering at Winthrop
Hey Wondering at Winthrop,
Too many thoughts… College relationships create a unique brand of stress and confusion. I think its because never before, and never again (sorry to be depressing), will we have the same opportunities that we have now, never again will we be giving up as much when we switch our relationship statuses from single to in a relationship. In high school we wanted prom dates and there wasn’t that much to do on the weekends and our parents were always around anyway. Why not be committed? After graduation we’re real people, and well, that means casual sex and hook-ups have a lot more stigmas and the risks are even higher (i.e.: the guys haven’t been screened by Bowdoin admissions and we don’t necessary know all of their friends and where they tend to sit at Moulton), and maybe we’re even looking for a life partner. Why not settle down? In college none of the above apply: no parents, lots of mingling opportunities, no stress to start playing house.
It’s kind of like this liberal arts college we’re all so fond of – why have a career-oriented major that takes up all of your time when you can dabble in Africana studies and maybe pick up some bio knowledge along the way? Why stay in a class you aren’t happy with when ten others will also qualify as teaching you to explore social differences or gain an international perspective? The way I see it, college is not the time to be locked into something you’re not one hundred percent head-over-heels excited about and in love with, and its certainly not the time to be ruling out possibly more exciting alternatives.
I realize the freedom-to-hook-up argument might sound shallow, but in college, hooking up and the larger going-out culture means a lot more than just dance floor make-outs. Rather, its symbolic of the freedom we should all be embracing to explore what we really want for ourselves, to meet new people and to have fun. It’s being able to decide where to go abroad or where to apply for an internship without considering where your partner is headed, or to go away for spring break without having a fight waiting for you when you get home, or even just to be able to go through a day without being expected to alert someone via text whenever your mood changes. It may sound cliché, but college is an amazing opportunity for self-discovery, and that can be really difficult to work on if you refer to yourself as “we” more often than “I.”
Granted, all of the above statements were written for Wondering at Winthrop and others in her position. College is also a time to be happy and have fun, and if that’s what your partner is adding to your college life, then he/she’s not a bad person to keep around. They were also written with reference to long-distance relationships, which can often amount to a relationship with a telephone and Saturday nights spent on Skype, as opposed to same-school relationships, which can often broaden the circle of friends of those involved and enhance a college experience.
That being said, I spent the first two and half years of college in a long distance relationship (originally open and later exclusive), and if anyone told me, or rather, when people did tell me, that I might regret it, I had plenty of well rehearsed responses ready and waiting to tell them they were wrong, why my relationship was just as substantial as any no-distance relationship. (Not that any of those responses really worked when my ex-boyfriend was the one doubting us…) I wanted to be in my relationship and was very sure that it was how I wanted to spend my college years. I got lucky: my relationship ended and I’ve come to realize I’ve been missing being just me, and that what I was sacrificing wasn’t at all worth what I was getting.
That’s definitely not the case for everyone. I know many couples who are fulfilled and excited by their long distance relationships and don’t feel like they’re giving up anything at all. Ultimately, you have to do what will make you happy. The trick is figuring out if that thing is also going to make you happy 20 years from now when you’re looking back on your college days – and all of that depends on you. However, Wondering at Winthrop, given that you’re already having some second thoughts about dedicating your time in college (i.e.: the only four years of your life when you’ll have this much opportunity to figure out who you are… and, you know, drink excessively and hook up without the judgments of the real world – yes, I’m biased), it might be time to embrace the single-life and see what happens.
It’s undeniably scary to own that title: single. But in college it doesn’t come anywhere close to meaning alone or desperate, as it may have been perceived in high school or might be seen post-grad – on the contrary, the benefits of self-discovery and independence that accompany it give it a similar definition to fun and really, really exciting.