1. The BSU fight song.
It IS your alma mater we’re talking about– get with the program and learn it, once and for all.
2. How many tequila shots is too many tequila shots.
We’ve all been there, but let’s face it: you can only GO there so many times before you need to learn your lesson. Time to make up a more original excuse for getting schwasty than “it’s been a really rough week, I need to blow off some steam” — or whatever else you tell yourself that helps you sleep at night.
3. When to expect your period.
You are a grown woman. Don’t tell me you are THAT surprised every time, every month. It is nothing new, ladies– it’s been happening since you were fifteen. Plan accordingly. Nowadays, they have apps for this stuff— so there is really NO excuse for not being prepared. Get it together!
4. NOT to fall asleep with your makeup on.
The bags under your eyes seem to be mascara-colored this morning. Learn from your mistakes.
5. How to cook yourself a decent meal.
Not necessarily JUST for you– if you want to live on Twinkies and instant ramen for the rest of your days, that is your prerogative. It DOES come in handy, however, to be able to offer your crush something besides a stale poptart the morning after (and that goes both ways, by the way). Or, learn the required skills to throw your friend a nice birthday dinner party. Cooking is a good skill to have for any reason, whatsoever.
6. All your family members’ birthdays.
You could get away with this when you were sixteen, but it’s really not cute anymore.
7. How many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.
Have you honestly never tried it??? Have you no life?
8. A solid party joke.
Because one day, you may be called upon to tell a joke. If you have one on hand, everyone will think you are delightful and witty and wonderful. If you don’t have one, you risk looking oh-so-lame.
9. A reliable news source.
I should say a reliable and unbiased news source. There are MANY that don’t fall under either category. As a graduating college student, you really ought to know better. The Guardian and the BBC are both generally pretty good. You can’t argue with The Onion, either; it is America’s finest news source, after all.
10. Nothing good happens after midnight.
Your mother was right all along, but it took you all four years to figure that one out.
11. How to change a tire. Or a lightbulb. And not to stick a fork in a toaster. And other life skills.
Because not everything you need to know for your survival is taught in a classroom.
12. Some killer dance moves.
Because dancing can be very sexy. Or very not sexy. Learn to know the difference!
OR
13. How to open a beer without a bottle opener.
Because this will make you a big hit with the guys. And because, ya know, beer… This also works excellently as a party trick.
14. How to be social media-savvy.
Liking your crush’s Facebook profile picture from two years ago is a no-no. Drunk pics are unflattering, 9/10. Know these things and you will go far.
15. How to get ready in <5 min (for anything).
1.5 min shower, 30 sec for makeup, etc… just in case there is a zombie apocalpyse OR a once-in-a-lifetime, dream-date opportunity with Ryan Gosling. Luck favors the prepared.
16. That it is okay to dine out (or see a movie or go to a concert) by yourself.
Because alone-time is something we all need from time to time. Because all of these things are 100% socially acceptable.
17. Your drink of choice.
Because your drink of choice can say a lot about you. Because if you never mix, you will never have cause to worry. Because a confident woman who knows what she wants is a total badass.
18. Basic self-defense.
Even if it is just which direction to point your mace.
19. ALWAYS use protection.
Think of it this way: you won’t regret it, but I can’t promise you won’t NOT regret it. In fact, it can help you avoid premature heart attacks on the monthly and all kinds of other nasty surprises.
20. You will not die/regret it for the rest of your life if you eat one more cookie.
Eat the cookie. It wants to be eaten.
21. Don’t wear heels that are too high for you.
Quite frankly, it looks like you are about to fall on your face. We are concerned about your safety.
23. Wear clothing in public.
What I mean is: don’t wear anything see-through (like tights) and pretend it’s pants OR pretend your bra is a shirt. It is slooty. There are three exceptions to this rule, called the three S’s: showers, sex, and skinny-dipping. If you are not doing any of these things, wear something that your mother would find acceptable. Halloween and certain themed frat-parties are also possible exceptions to the rule.
24. Drink water often.
This is a severely underrated life hack.
25. If he is interested in you, he will make an effort.
Chivalry may be endangered, but it’s not dead.