Part 1: Dos and Don’ts
- Put pictures of you and your dog on your profile. There is nothing more amazing than dogs in this world.
- Have random but amazing quotes from The Office on your bio. “’You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. – Wayne Gretzky.’ – Michael Scott.”
- Send a really cute and VERY PG pickup line. (See below for some examples of real-life pickup lines that are acceptable.)
- If you’re a firefighter, EMT, soldier, or any type of serviceman, we thank you for your service by saucing you a right swipe.
- Hockey pictures. Yes.
- You looking good in a suit is always a yes. Maybe it’s the Bentley in me, but a good suit is always a right swipe in my book.
- Limit the amount of sexual innuendos you use. We get it. Trust me, we get it.
- Say something original regarding either me as a person or my bio. We can detect a cookie-cutter line a mile away. Yes, I already do in fact know that I have “the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen”. Thanks.
- Treat the girls you chat with respect. We may be on Tinder, but we still deserve your utmost respect. Plus, there’s nothing more attractive than a respectful dude. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that jazz.
- Talk to girls the way you would want other boys to talk to your sister. If a boy was talking to your sister the way you’re talking to me, don’t you think that might be an issue?
- Group pictures as your profile picture. I will swipe directly past you and your 20 friends.
- Send disgusting messages as my first impression of you. If you said these things to me in person, you would probably have a black eye and I would probably have a broken hand.
- Put pictures of you and your ex-girlfriend in your pictures. Mixed signals and never a good sign.
- Bad bathroom selfie pics with you wearing a beanie and looking like a dirty Where’s Waldo.
- Pictures of Kim Jong Un in a Christmas sweater smiling and looking as free as a bird. (Note: This was a real thing I came across as I am writing this.)
- Any Snapchat filter pictures. You look like a tool and I’m just going to assume you have dog ears and a dog nose in real life.
- Have a picture of your Snapchat handle as your second picture. Any girl who adds you knows the consequences.
- Pictures where you look like a different human in each one. Is this a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde situation? Idk and will never know because left swipe.
- Your profile picture should not be an up-close picture of your face sans smile staring directly into my soul.
- Prom pics. Just. No.
Part 2: Decent Pickup Lines from Real Tinder Conversations
- “You. Me. Bucket of KFC. Scary Movies.”
- “Allow me to extol the virtues of anarcho socialism to you.”
- “Knock, knock.”
- “I would swim up the Amazon river with 45lb dumbbells attached to me just to have a spaghetti dinner with you over Skype using a dial up internet connection.”
- “How you doin?” *Joey from Friends voice*
- “Hey, my cat thinks you’re cute.”
- “Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?”
- “Summer’s over because you’re about to fall for me.”
- “Is your dad an art thief? Because you’re a masterpiece.”
- “Hey, tell me about yourself! Your dreams. Your aspirations. Your phone number J”
- “You’re gorgeous and like Flo… you a catch.” (Note: If you have any idea what this is supposed to mean, lmk because I still have no idea.)
- “Give me the honor of taking you out.”
- “Do you like guys with lovely accents?”
- “Can I screenshot your profile photo so I can show my friend what I want for my birthday?”