Every couple strives to achieve a stage in their relationship where they can say and do anything in front of each other. Once you know you can pop each other’s back acne, there isn’t much you can shy away from. However, there are some types of boundaries in relationships you can never cross. When a couple gets exceptionally comfortable around each other, those boundaries can sometimes be challenging to spot.
That’s why you need to have a conversation about the types of boundaries you need to respect. Just because you can put your cold foot on your partner’s warm stomach does not mean you can say just about anything that comes to your mind. Unknowingly, some topics just might hit a nerve. Boundaries distinguish a healthy versus an unhealthy relationship and can lead to what was once amicable to toxic or hostile.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are boundaries concerning your body, personal space, and physical needs and want. Maybe you are not big on cuddling, and you feel forced into it. Perhaps you need an hour to yourself after you wake up before you can hug and kiss your partner. Voicing your opinion on physical boundaries will clear misunderstandings and ensure you are both on the same page.
In every relationship, a bit of personal space is required to thrive. You get to know yourself better, and only through knowing yourself will you know what you want. In her book Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, author Anne Katherine claims that “Intimacy comes from being known, and knowing yourself, having a self to know.”
Here are a few examples that will give you a sense of how to communicate personal boundaries without offending:
- “I don’t like being touched/held this way.”
- “I feel tired; I need a break.”
- “I’m hungry; I will grab a bite now.”
- “I can’t have XYZ in my living space; I’m allergic to it.”
- “Please knock before walking into my room.”
- “I don’t appreciate being disturbed when I shower.”
- “Don’t bang on the door; loud knocks make me anxious.”
Sexual Boundaries
At the beginning of every relationship, sex is often not talked about before it happens. It’s led to fear that any conversation about it would ruin its authenticity. Like a conversation about it would ruin the thrill, and it’ll then feel like an inevitable formality. But ask yourself, is it more critical to have fake authenticity or to ensure you don’t get violated in bed?
Sex can be a touchy topic between partners, especially when voicing fantasies and kinks and turning them down. Here are a few examples of sexual boundaries in a relationship that will help you learn how to say no without bruising your partner’s self-esteem:
- “I’m not enjoying this. Let’s try something different.”
- “Do you want to have sex right now?”
- “Would you like to try a new position/experiment with a new technique?”
- “I don’t want to have sex right now. Can we cuddle instead?”
- “I’m not okay with unprotected sex.”
- “This hurts/is uncomfortable. Stop”
Financial Boundaries
Financial boundaries about money and your assets like your car, house, and personal belongings should all be addressed. Drawing a line in the sand about hard-earned money and other assets is among the most normal boundaries in a relationship and should not be frowned upon.
It doesn’t sound very romantic, but if your partner takes your car for a joy ride and comes back with a bunch of dents in it, you’ll wish you had this talk sooner. Being able to talk about finances without getting defensive or touchy is a rare quality that more couples should aspire to imbibe.
Setting material boundaries in relationships, especially those involving money, can be challenging. Here are some examples to help you figure out how to broach the topic of money without turning it into an issue and ace setting one of the trickiest of different types of boundaries between partners:
- “I can’t lend you my car since your name is not on the insurance.”
- “I would appreciate it if you get the car serviced after the road trip.”
- “Let’s go over the credit card bill and divide who owes what.”
- “We can’t give out more money to X. Let’s find another way to help out.”
- “We should go over the mortgage details and decide who pays what.”
- “I’d like to keep my account active and not have my salary credited in our joint account.”
Intellectual Boundaries
If your political views couldn’t be further apart, a civil discussion about the same can quickly turn into a heated argument. A seemingly nonchalant yet condescending remark on your ideas may be enough to trigger a debate, politics aside. But labeling specific topics as a no-go zone can lead to an undercurrent tension in your dynamic. Setting boundaries on how to go about conversations about your ideas and beliefs will make the dialogue beneficial. Be careful, though – discouraging conversation about intellectual topics like prejudices, views, and opinions may hamper communication.
Here are some examples of intellectual boundaries in a relationship:
- “I know we disagree on this topic, but it doesn’t make it okay for you to belittle me.”
- “We never get anywhere in our discussions on this issue. Let’s shelve it for now.”
- “Yes, we surely need to talk about this, but the dinner table is not the best place for it.”
- “Let’s agree to disagree.”
- “To each their own”
Emotional Boundaries
Everyone has a different way of dealing with their emotions. If you rant about your problems to your partner and they immediately take it upon themselves to fix all of them, there could be a mismatch. Maybe you want to be heard instead of having it seem like you are incapable of dealing with your problems.
Being emotionally vulnerable with each other is an integral aspect of any romantic partnership, which is why this is among the most crucial boundaries to set. You could gently tell that this is not the best time for you to discuss these things and develop a healthy limit on how you two deal with your emotions in the process. Your emotional baggage is not your partner’s responsibility!
Emotional boundaries are all about validating each other’s feelings and handling dynamic information with respect and care. Here are a few examples of emotional boundaries in a relationship:
- “My feelings being criticized make me want to shut down.”
- “I can share my feelings with you only when they’re received with respect.”
- “I need to talk some things out right now. Are you in a place to listen?”
- “I am sorry you are having a hard time, but I am not in a place to listen right now.”
- “This conversation is making me uneasy. Can we revisit this another time?”
Time Boundaries
It’s healthy to have a life outside of your relationship. You will not be able to devote 100% of your time to your partner as you should not be expected to. Violation of time boundaries can be easily spotted if your partner gets angry at you when you tell them you would not be able to spend time with them.
Examples of boundaries in a relationship can be as simple as sending a text saying, “I am busy, so I will not be able to come to that event.” Setting these boundaries will not be a problem when there is respect for you and the time you spend outside of the relationship.
At the same time, time boundaries in relationships must also focus on ensuring that a couple gets to spend more quality time together consistently. Making an effort to take time out for one’s partner conveys love, respect, dignity, and compassion.
Examples of time boundaries in relationships:
- “I can’t come to that event this weekend.”
- “I have plans with my friends.”
- “Do you have time to talk?”
- “Let’s plan weekly date nights.”
- “Turning the TV off after dinner will give us time to connect. How do you feel about it?”
Expectation Boundaries
Having expectations need to be addressed as early as possible. If you have high expectations, it can spell doom for your relationship, especially if they are not mutual. Perhaps your partner is under the expectation that yours is a casual relationship, while you are expecting exclusivity.
Setting the big questions aside, everyday expectations like how frequently you two will communicate, how available you will be, and who inevitably decides what you are ordering for dinner should be discussed. You do not want to be caught in an endless loop of “I will do whatever you want, but not that.” Expect dinner to be served by 2 am! If you do not manage expectations in relationships, you two could fight while wondering what you did wrong in the entire fight.
Expectation boundaries can be considered another term for setting expectations in a relationship. Here are some examples to illustrate how to set expectation boundaries realistically:
- “While I don’t expect we’ll never fight, I’d like us to resolve those fights maturely.”
- “I expect my partner to be loyal and honest.”
- “We will both make some mistakes along the way, and that is okay.”
- “What are your expectations from this relationship?”
- “How often should we meet and communicate with each other?”
- “Mutual respect in a relationship is non-negotiable for me.”
Conclusion
A healthy relationship encourages communication and respect for each other’s views. Without mutual respect, there are no boundaries. Without boundaries, there is no end to where your partner ends and where you begin as a person.