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How to Be an Absolutely Horrendous Neighbor

(Note: This article is a subtweet to our neighbors. Please guys, for the love of all that is good and pure in this godforsaken world, keep it the heck down.)

  1. At 10:30 in the morning on a Saturday start blasting the loudest bass music known to man. Everyone in the room below you is totally not hungover as all heck.
  1. At 3am on a weeknight make random noises that sound like someone is rubbing his butt all over the floor.
  1. Throw up on the floor so it biodegrades there and we can all live in the putridness of your vomit for weeks.
  1. Roll some bowling balls around on the floor. Fun for the whole family.
  1. While one is rolling around a bowling ball, someone else stand the couch on one of its arm rests and run into it, slamming it down and making a noise so loud llama farmers in Tibet can hear you. (Note: this is a real thing we deal with. This is not an exaggeration).
  1. Throw your food out the window. Love seeing banana peels going through their decomposing process every morning.
  1. Randomly slam on your neighbor’s door at all hours of the night so anyone sitting on the couch near the door soils themselves.
  1. Any smells that are strong in your room become strong in our room. We greatly appreciate your odors transmitting.
  1. Don’t cover your mouth when you sneeze/cough. Sickness travels. What a concept. This is a totally an infirmary, and not a college dorm where you coexist with other people. I 100% won’t be rude to you as I deal with my stuffy nose and crankiness. This is definitely not your fault.
  1. When I’m carrying my 10,000 loads of laundry up from the laundry room, and completely have a third hand to open the door, please look at me, see I have a third hand, and don’t hold the door for me. Please let me struggle and drop all of my newly cleaned clothes. It builds character.
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