Family gatherings during the holidays are just like creating a resume – you make yourself out to be SO much better then you actually are for the family you won’t see for another 365 days. You can be lucky like me and not have this happen to you, but I’ve seen my friend’s snapchats as they record their aunts poking and prodding with rousing questions and meddling remarks like “so when are you going to start popping out babies?”, or “you know I was engaged at your age”. Thus I’ve created the perfect list of how to deal with all of these family gatherings without wanting to stuff your head in the oven instead of the turkey.
1. Wear a horribly ugly themed sweater
I’m talking about the ones that would win an Ugly Sweater party, but you can’t just wear it and hope it acts like a shield. You have to throw it in everyone’s faces, any time they ask a question that you don’t want to answer, ask what they think of your sweater. The key to this trick is not letting them get off with just a “oh it’s nice”. Really interrogate them about their favorite aspects, does it remind them of Chanel Runway Spring/Summer 2012? Do they think the pasta stain makes it more abstract? Every question you can imagine about your sweater ask them until they make an excuse to leave and you can make your escape.
2. Review all your awkward family drama and bring it up when they say something annoying
Think the most recent Grey’s dinner party awkward. When everyone found out Callie’s new girlfriend killed McDreamy? (yeah don’t worry we hate her too) bring up drama that would cause that kind of awkward. Bring up ANY drama that does not involve you and then the attention will shift onto someone else and everyone will stop bothering you.
3. Just sleep the whole time (avoid the situation entirely)
There is really no explanation needed for this, everybody loves sleep. Sleep is our one true love and it involves no talking.
4. Say you have to pee
Nobody wants you to pee on the floor. Just say you have to go to the bathroom and walk away. But MAKE SURE YOU BRING YOUR PHONE AND CHARGER. Then you can just sit on the sink rim and you can just scroll though more of your favorite HerCampus articles instead of needing to deal with your family.
5. Remind them that c’s still get degrees so they can shove it from asking about your grades
If you passed GB112 I pat you on the back, that’s a feat in itself. When your over inquisitive Aunt asks about how your grades are doing while she brags about how her boyfriend’s dog just passed puppy kindergarten you can just remind her that oh yes you are doing just fine and its none of her business if you got a 3.7 or a 4.0 (maybe it was a 2.7 really but she doesn’t need to know that).
6. Stop asking if I have a boyfriend
I am an independent woman who don’t need no man. Really who needs a man? They’re sweaty, don’t text back and eat an absurd amount of food. Yeah they can be cute sometimes but usually not, so why bother? Just push how you are an independent woman who is focused on her career and not the smelly boy hitting on you in your GLS class (although lets be real he is pretty cute).
7. Off of that… I don’t want you to set me up with anyone but thx gma
The second you mention you are single I swear people hear the word and then it’s like a challenge of who can set you up with a man first. No I do not want to be set up with your bridge partner’s son but thank you for the offer. I have yet to find a way to get out of this one so if you know something PLEASE let all of us know.
8. Just lie oh that major that your uncle think is BS? Say you’re double majoring, triple minoring and also tutoring children in need.
Like I said before, family holidays are a lot like writing a resume, you can embellish a little bit. When your uncle says that your major isn’t a “real” major then you can bring up that you’re double majoring, triple minoring and tutoring children in need. Say whatever you want, when you see them next it will be next thanksgiving and they won’t remember. Just say whatever you feel most comfortable saying, yes maybe you shouldn’t lie but really if it shuts them up for a little bit isn’t it worth it?
I’m not talking slapping the bag upstairs with your siblings before your family arrives. I’m talking Appetizers, eat as much as you can as fast as you can. With food in your mouth you can’t answer questions and then when you’re disgustingly full of Brie and crackers and have to excuse yourself to take a fatnap (yes it’s a word and I promise you feel it every thanksgiving) and them boom no more questions.
10. Smile and non a-la penguins of Madagascar
Don’t even say a word. Just smile and nod, oh your child started a food fight in the cafeteria? Smile and nod. You spilled red wine on the white sweater you spent way too much money on? Smile and nod. It will work for everything, and then when they stop talking about themselves then you can just continue to smile and nod until they leave you alone.