Why Amy Schumer Would Be the Dopest Fairy Godmother Ever

Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother knew how to hook a sister up. With a tap of her wand, she transformed the stunning damsel in distress into a shimmering princess for the night. I think we all identify with Cinderella in a sense. She was dealt a bad hand in life; she was surrounded by unbearable people everyday, constantly manipulated, and had to tolerate bullshit. I mean, didn’t we all suffer through high school? I don’t blame the girl for wanting to bend the rules and stop time for just one night.

Yes, her Fairy Godmother knew how to turn her apron into a ball gown and make her feel worthy enough to find her man. However,  I want to see what magic her FGM uses to make her feel better when her Prince Charming turns out to be not be charming after all. What happens when he likes the way she looks when she’s all dolled up for a night, but when it comes down to finding the princess with the missing glass slipper, he turns away when the shoe fits the raggedy servant girl instead of the beautiful blonde he danced with the night before?

Life is not going to give you Prince Charming most of the time. You will get the asinine boys who value your boobs more than your brain. Not every boy can keep his eyes "up here." Amy Schumer understands self-confidence more than any fictional Fairy Godmother that Disney ever created. She has vocalized feminist issues within multiple sketches in her series, Inside Amy Schumer, and also in her movie, Trainwreck. She has actively spoken up about the daily trials that women face but society is too afraid to recognize.

I imagine Amy handing me a glass of wine, flicking her wrist, and turning my Target brand clothes into a cute dress from one of those hipster boutiques no college student can ever afford. She would take a seat on my cheap desk chair and say, “Okay, go have fun on this date with this guy who probably has not called his mother in days, spends his time playing Call of Duty and watching porn, but do not come home crying when you realize he, like the many more guys after him, is not ‘the one.’”

Amy understands what it is like to have every ounce of self-confidence drained from you, and to have all of your insecurities shine brighter than your future. This past year, I realized that most of my happiness relied on a boy’s interest in me. I was making up excuses for all of these guys who made me feel not good enough. There was this one guy in particular who only called me up when he was lonely, bored, or trying to make himself feel better. That was when I realized that I deserved more than being someone’s booty call. I heard something echo inside me; it was a little voice telling me to get my shit together. It was my very own Fairy Godmother. It was Amy Schumer.

I read an article that had Amy’s acceptance speech from the May 2014 Gloria Awards and Gala. She was brilliantly bold, and she made me realize that the only person I need to impress is myself. She explained, “I can be reduced to that lost college freshman so quickly sometimes, I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, ‘All right! You got it. You figured me out. I’m not pretty. I’m not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice.’ But then I think, F*** that. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story—I will. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you.” I have never felt so compelled to change before. She sparked the flame inside me that was burnt out years ago by every boy who did not make me feel worthy, smart, or beautiful. I think I always knew deep down that I do not need a prince charming to sweep me off my feet. I like the way I walk in my heels, anyways. I guess I just needed my Fairy Godmother to remind me.