There were eight of us heading into the tiny Paris Crêperie in Coolidge Corner, the pressure was on. Though I had been raving about this place, I knew I would face a tight, crowded Crêpreie with extremely limited seating. Oh yes, I knew a battle was ahead of me. I, however, walked in with the utmost confidence. One might even say I gave an air of cockiness. These other innocent diners haven’t the stealth quite like me. I mean, let’s be real, I’m used to duking it out at Hillside to secure a table at any cost. Low and behold, my skills proved themselves worthy of bragging rights. A hovering hawk, I snatched a few tables, combined them, and bam: a table for eight. We probably took up 40% of the seating in the entire place. I did good.
Hopefully you, too, have honed this skill (what many consider an art), of table snatching. If you haven’t, or if you’re just a freshman without adequate practice, let me give you some pointers. I promise you won’t be like those athletes dashing out in intimidation (kidding) to eat in their special little dining lounge in the mysterious castle called Yawkey (ok, maybe I’m jealous of the wonderland…).
Top 5 Table Snatching Moves:
1. That Kid from Hey Arnold Move
Remember that kid from Hey Arnold who would always breathe super heavily down people’s necks? Do that. Add in a sneeze or cough every other minute and you’re good to go.
*Ok maybe don’t actually do that.
2. The Innocent Klutz
You’re walking by a table with freshly poured iced coffee in hand. But whoops! You accidentally failed to fasten the lid on after adding seven packets of sugar, and you just happen to trip and spill it all over a table of empty-plate-table-hogger-talkers. Yeah, they won’t last too much longer hangin’ at that table. It’s as good as yours.
*So this might be a little bit embarrassing, and can probably only be used once… and will cost you $5.00 and seven minutes of waiting for your coffee… maybe not the most efficient way… Though now that I think about it, if done at the right time each day, people just might see you and flea at the sight… this works too.
3. The people you hate on the T
You know those groups of friends who talk way too loudly on the T? So much so that even though you’re wearing your hipster headphones, giving off the best unapproachable air you’ve got, you can still hear them? Take note, and imitate with your friends right in the middle of Hillside.
*Unless you want to have any kind of social life ever again.
4. Are we there yet?
We’ve all had plenty of practice asking our parents, “are we there yet?” during those endless car trips. So this one, I know you’ve got. Simply rephrase as “are you done yet?” and replace you’re parents with complete and utter strangers or perhaps that cute boy from you’re nursing class (oh wait… are boys in those?).
*Unless you want to have any kind of dignity.
5. The Kind-of Friend Approach
Met that girl in your philosophy class freshman year? Ok, so maybe you’re not really friends… but you at least acknowledge each other’s presence walking across campus (sometimes). Well what’s stopping you? Reacquaint yourself and pop a squat. Oh! Is that the guy you hooked up with last year, who you see everywhere but aren’t sure if he remembers you, or if he just decides not to say hi ever? Here’s your chance to rekindle what was obviously supposed to be a romance of a lifetime. You’re table awaits, Cinderella.
*Please, for the sake of your own self-respect… just don’t.
SURE FIRE ADDITION: Don’t shower. That way not only are you loud, or just hovering obnoxiously, but you smell too. Perfection.
Ok fine. Those aren’t the moves I’ve used the past two years to snag tables at Hillside. Or if they were, I probably wouldn’t admit it. So if you’re actually reading this article for some Hillside self-help, my advice follows. For real this time.
1. Know the rush times.
Really guys, this one is obvious. MWF, classes begin on the hour. It takes approximately 10 minutes to walk from Hillside to the Quad. So do the math: people leave their tables between a quarter-till or ten-till. Bam. Now T/Th is a bit trickier because the lunch break is so long and there are 15 minutes between classes, however the math still holds: if class starts at 12, get to Hillside as close to a quarter-till as you can.
2. Control the visions of New England Classics dancing around in your hungry head.
Are you kidding me? You were about to grab food before getting a table? Rookie mistake. You get there at the right time, secure the table, then eat. You can do it. The Classic will wait.
3. Work your neck.
Listen. You can’t just stand looking for a table in one direction. You need to be constantly surveying the room. You need to be on the prowl, like that creepy guy in your dorm who follows you into the elevator daily.
4. Look for the signals.
You don’t need to be Jack Bauer in order to pick up the signs of when people are leaving a table. It’s pretty simple, really. Check their plates. Full? They’re not going anywhere. Empty? You’re onto something here, unless their laptops and books are spread out everywhere, then you’re just screwed. Are they looking around, grabbing coats, piling up their books? Bingo.
5. Approach.
The second you see one of your victims (er, peers) stand up, and immediately lock eyes. This could easily be misconstrued for some good old-fashioned eye… “flirting,” as described in this Broston Top 500 Feeling Blog, but once you lay the “are you leaving?” line, he’ll know you were just using him. Or maybe you’re multitasking?
So there you have it. Sit. Munch. Enjoy. And please, don’t be that kid who takes a table to him/herself studying during peak hours. Common courtesy.