Resume: an over-glorified, over-qualified version of myself and all of my worldly accomplishments. In truth, I’ve fostered a few personal skills that don’t quite translate onto paper. Or in an interview. Or anything slightly accepted in the real world as “skills.” I’ll skip all the boring crap about education, my GPA (lol), and other things my parents paid for. Here’s what my resume should really say:
Personal Accomplishments:
Able to attract men I’m not interested in
Have built a lasting relationship with the mustache man in Hillside
Consistently say I’m going to workout and consistently don’t
Have mastered the art of making workout clothes appear as if I actually got dressed that morning
Resourcefulness:
Able to quickly and efficiently Google important topics like “How to cook chicken,” “Can I drink on this anti-biotic,” and “How accurate is an expiration date?”
Frequently justify any kind of excess food consumption with phrases like “It’s only 35 calories per cup,” “Whole grains are good for you,” and “These chicken fingers are probably gluten free.”
Deciphering content on my phone through a cracked screen
Social Media Proficiency
Personal record of Instagram likes: 150
Skillfully stalk my crushes while not liking their pictures from their “Florida 2011 Family Trip” album
Regularly act as a small-time private investigator for my own personal information on people who don’t know I exist
Additional: Frequently portray the image of a totally normal and non-creepy 21 year-old female on a daily basis
Language: Fluent in drunk snap chats and proficient in late night.
And with that, I give you my “resume.” To all of the lucky employers reading this: at least you know I have a sense of humor. To my parents: I’m sorry.
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