Running super late one day this summer, I quickly and haphazardly blow-dried my hair and ran out the door. Now I’ll be the first to admit, I wasn’t looking my best; my hair was wild and out of control, resembling a mane similar to Simba’s. It was definitely a low point, with hair sticking out in every direction as I tried to tame it with my fingers. As I’m sitting in the passenger seat, my brother looks over at me from the driver’s seat and says, “You should really bring back ponytails.”
I’m sure you’ve heard of the book Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern, a 29-year-old living back at home with his 74-year-old dad. The book is a collection of short stories detailing their humorous relationship, originally chronicled on a Twitter feed of his dad’s sayings. Well, this book got me thinking… my brother also says a lot of shit (for lack of a better term) to me. I love him, but honestly, some of the things that come out of his mouth are shocking.
For whatever reason, I put this guy on a pedestal while he just loves to point out the huge zit on my face or the purple bags under my eyes. No one else will mention my (few) flaws, but my brother never lets me down. For better or worse, he’ll say it. I think brothers are programmed this way from the beginning- they just love to say what you don’t want to hear!
Case in point: Ross and Monica Gellar from Friends. The two siblings are constantly making jabs at each other. One of my favorites is Ross’s comment to Monica after their football game on Thanksgiving, when he teases her “Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater.” Or the time Monica said, “Mom already called me this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature?” To which Ross appropriately responds, “Some days it’s all I can think about.”
Living with this boy is bad enough, but hearing my brother’s commentary on my life is just ridiculous. Most of the shit my brother says to me is too inappropriate to be published. So I asked girls on campus to help me out and share some of the brotherly love that they also experience.
“Mom and Dad bought you at Kmart.”
Leave it to my brother to one-up the old “you were adopted” bit. My entire life, he’s been telling me that my parents purchased me at Kmart during a “Blue Light Special.” Yes, I was not only worthless, but apparently also on sale!
“You look like a boy.”
Alright girls, no one can deny that sweats are comfortable, right? When you’re relaxing at home, you probably change into a big comfy sweatshirt or some casual basketball shorts. This drives my brother nuts and he loves to accuse me of being a boy. Sure, I’ve got my little Lulus, but some days I just really want to wear some huge, gigantic sweatpants! Leave me alone and let me watch Dexter in comfort, for Pete’s sake.
“Can I pet her?”
The day I came home from the hospital, my parents introduced me to my brother, who was then three years old. He looked down at the swaddled bundle of joy my mother was holding and asked if he could pet me. My parents had to explain that I was his baby sister, not a pet… To this day, he loves to remind me of this “easy” mistake.
“You look like a slut.”
This is a common one from brothers- sometimes it’s annoying, but other times it’s very helpful criticism. Sarah McDonnell, A&S’13, says her brother told her this all the time during high school. This can be really helpful if you honestly didn’t realize how low-cut your shirt was. But other times, it’s just not what you want to hear (like when my brother recently told me my new heels made me look like a prostitute).
“You look like a horse.”
Obviously this one will remain anonymous, so this particular collegiette™ can save face. But I can tell you in good authority that this girl is gorgeous, so obviously her brother is just giving her a little extra love.
“You pants are too short.”
This is said in reference to junior Katie Hartley’s capris! When will brothers understand our clothing, honestly?! This is probably another classic case of accessories that guys don’t understand.
“Your friends look dumb.”
Brothers love to judge their sisters’ stupid friends! Sarah McDonnell’s brother made this comment once when he saw her friends wearing heels to a football game. Though that instance might be justified, this comment is also commonly heard when friends are being normal, like laughing and talking.
“Just don’t ever be that obnoxious drunk girl at the party. You just look dumb.”
Sarah’s older brother gives her this wise advice from time to time, adding “Yeah, I like to hook up with them, but I don’t respect them one bit.” Though not poetic, only a loving, concerned brother would say this. This is usually the case with big brothers, trying to protect their baby sisters.
“Why are you telling me this?”
Whenever Alex Nafash, a junior, tells her brother something about her life, his response is “Why are you telling me this?” I’m not sure if we should respect his honesty?
“When’s your birthday again?”
Katie Hartley gets this one from her two older brothers. Hopefully they aren’t serious!
“You know, your 5th grade obsession with Poptarts doesn’t explain why you’re fat now.”
Ouch! Junior Amanda Petrone’s brother likes to call her out! As much as we love hearing “fatty” before we open a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, I’m pretty sure if sisters around the world could take a collective vote, these encouraging comments would no longer be allowed.
“Meg’s on the phone.”
Allow me to explain: this is said by junior Elaina Donofrio’s brother! She said he’s been calling her Meg from Family Guy for the past two years because it’s the one no one likes. When she calls the house and he picks up, he says, “Mom, Meg’s on the phone.”
“I would love me too.”
Whenever Amelia Green-Vamos, A&S’13, says “I love you” or “I miss you” to her brother, his response is “I would love me too.” Nope, no need to return the sentiment, I guess! This falls under the same category as “I’m the favorite child” comments (which, by the way brothers, you’re not. Just because you are less expensive for mom and dad does not make you the favorite!).
Now in defense of brothers, I will say that despite all of the shit my brother says, I love the guy. I know he’s just kidding. And to be honest, even though he frequently tells me I stink and I’m stupid, actions speak louder than words. He may say these things, but he’s also there when I’m having a bad day. He’s there to pick me up from the airport, always shares his new music with me, gets me coffee, and does me favors. He is a supportive brother, good friend, and positive role model. I wouldn’t trade my brother for anything in the world…plus, I think the things he says are funny.
Photo Sources:
http://bolt.cd/board/ebooks/392548-justin-halpern-sh*t-my-dad-says.html
http://unrealitymag.com/index.php/2010/09/16/the-best-casted-siblings/