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The Many Ways to Say Sex

I was having dinner with some of my friends the other day and one of them uttered the phrase “did the deed.” What did she mean? Sex! But why did she have to be so cryptic? It got me to thinking; she’s not the only one guilty of this. Most of us are. There are about a million and one different ways to refer to sex. And as I got to thinking, most of them are hilarious. So the list begins:

1. Coitus: I thought I would start with the Sheldon Cooper. If you watch Big Bang Theory you’re extremely familiar with this word, for Sheldon Cooper says it in almost every episode. He resorts to this traditional way of saying sex because well he’s Sheldon. Warning: use this word in front of your friends and they may think you’re a social pariah.

2. Boning: I think I picked up on this word from watching back-to-back episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. My roommate told me that if I used this word one more time she would find a new roommate and best friend. I guess she better start looking…

3. “The Beast With Two Backs”: This lovely phrase comes from Shakespearean English. Want to feel a little fancy at your next wine and cheese night? Throw this euphemism out there. You are absolutely guaranteed to find your betrothed.

4. Fornication: According to Wikipedia, fornication is “generally consensual intercourse between two people not married to each other.” If that’s the case, I think this accounts for quite a handful of college students. Oh well.

5. Bumping Uglies: Please don’t ever use this phrase. Not even in private. Actually, especially not in private. I’m not even going to describe it. Just thought it should be listed.

6. Knocking Boots: Unsure of how this term came to be, I looked it up on Urban Dictionary only to find many conflicting arguments. One of which I found very comical: “The act of knocking two boots together, usually leather, for cleaning purposes or to test the strength.” LOL how naïve.

7. WooHoo: Shout out to all of “The Sims” players out there! “WooHoo” is the way this popular computer game refers to sex. No one really uses this in their day-to-day vocabulary unless they are avid Sims players. So I’d advise you to shy away from that term.

8. Hanky-Panky: Oh yes, this is an awkward one. But thanks to our favorite underwear brand, Hanky Panky, I’ve become much more okay with saying this one aloud.

9. Horizontal Tango: Okay so it’s probably best you use this term if and only if you want the other person to feel excruciatingly uncomfortable. Continued use of this term may lead to loss in friendship. You have been forewarned.

10. Knowing Someone in the Biblical Sense: This winter break my close friend and I became obsessed with The Tudors. We then made the executive decision to add this phrase to our vocabulary. It is also sounds so much classier. For example, you could ask someone if they “know” a certain person. This would be the equivalent of asking if they’ve ever slept with that person. I realize, however, that it can lead to a lot of confusion when they think you’re asking if they actually know the person. So perhaps this isn’t always the best way to go about things.

This list could just keep going on and on, but I had to end it somewhere. So there you have it, some of the funniest ways to refer to sex. Some of them are more socially acceptable to say than others, as you may have noticed. But as you also may have noticed, sometimes it’s better to be straightforward and just say sex. It leads to a lot less confusion and makes you sound like a real adult (which I like to pretend I am). 

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