I’m really not that much of a princess (insert my father’s scoff), but there is one day of the year when I can’t help but indulge in delicious spoiled b*tchiness, marked by demands for attention and cake and glitter and brunch. This day, of course, is my birthday. I love my birthday so much that I plan for it basically year-round. Over the past two decades (how did I age so rapidly?), I have accumulated a list of pretty consistent demands for my day of, well, me. It’s nothing crazy, like I don’t expect trips to Antigua or Cartier bracelets, but any self-respecting girl should feel free to pamper herself on her special day. If people are bugged by your unprecedented (and temporary) egocentricity, just turn to them, lower your aviator sunnies, and say, “It’s whatever. I’m a Birthday B*tch.”
The Commandments of Birthday B*tchiness are as follows:
1. Thou shalt always consume a free Starbucks on your birthday. Just hand them your gold card and announce that it’s your day of birth and voila! free coffee will magically appear in your hands like manna from Heaven. Take a sip, then smile and say “thank you” to the barista, just because it’s really too bad that it’s not their birthday, too.
2. Thou shalt never go to class on your birthday. Barring the unlikely exception of a final or midterm, Birthday B*tches never go to class. I ration my skips throughout the entire semester just so I feel less guilty skipping a whole day to complete commandment number three, which is…
3. Thou shalt always go shopping on your birthday. This must occur after Starbucks, so that you have an adequate amount of stamina. It’s going to be a long day, after all. Whether you choose to partake in this commandment alone or with a posse is up to you. I, personally, prefer to shop alone or with my mom, who is my second half so it’s basically like I’m just shopping with myself anyway.
Birthday Princesses shop ’til they drop.
4. Thou shalt always go for a long run or engage in some other physical activity on your birthday. It makes you feel like a million bucks, so why not cut the crap and hit the Res?
5. Thou shalt have a birthday dinner or brunch on your birthday. Invite your best girlfriends (in my experience, boys should generally be left out of this one…they don’t really understand the importance of birthdays for whatever reason) and tuck in for a long, laughter filled, and probably boozy brunch or dinner. Get dressed up, take an obnoxious amount of pics, and even call ahead to the restaurant, pretending to be your roommate, to give them a heads up that it’s your b-day and some special treatment is in order. Literally, no shame over here.
6. Thou shalt eat cake. Like, duh, what’s a birthday without cake? The only reasons I can possibly think of that would excuse you from neglecting to follow this commandment are that you don’t like cake, or can’t eat it for whatever reason. If this is the case, please do yourself a solid and find an alternative. Some sort of extravagant dessert, that’s all I’m asking for. My favorite is Princess Cake– not like one of those weird hemispherical concoctions that they stick a Barbie in so you actually feel like you’re eating a human, but a traditional Swedish cake with alternating layers of sponge cake and whipped cream, all topped with marzipan. Sometimes it really pays off to be Scandinavian.
7. Thou shalt party like it’s your birthday. Usually this comes after all of the above, which also makes it one of the most important commandments. Even if you don’t do this on your actual birthday, it’s important to cause a scene in a boa and tiara while running around the Mods screaming “it’s my birthday!!” within 7 days of the actual day. People will probably hate you, but they won’t remember you in the morning so it’s all Gucci. Other options include dancing in the Mods, dancing in the street, or dancing on tables anywhere. I also have a tiara if you want to borrow it and I’m not kidding.
8. Thou shalt be grateful to everyone who puts up with you on your birthday. This includes, but is not limited to, your roommates, your mom, your professors, Law Enforcement officials, the people of greater Boston, and the sales associates at every store on Newbury Street. Write thank you notes for gifts, whether they be material ones or experiential (i.e. someone took you out to dinner, etc.). You may have been a Birthday B*tch for a day, but don’t forget that afterwards you’re going to have to morph back into a lady. Handwritten thank you notes are where it’s at; never forget that.
B-Day B*tchiness is a lifetime sport.
Photo Sources:
http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-its-my-birthday.png
http://i.walmartimages.com/i/p/00/04/56/72/30/0004567230103_500X500.jpg
http://m9.i.pbase.com/o4/42/458642/1/121171579.GbrsiVn7.birthdaygirltiara.jpg
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6hpfjZZOX1qzh5ano1_500.jpg