*Disclaimer: This is meant to be a piece of satire. HC BC thinks that you are charming, ambitious, and that you have the potential to do anything you aspire to do!
Do you have big hopes and dreams for yourself? Do you imagine that you are capable of gaining substantial relationships, a fulfilling career, and a feeling of complete self-assurance inside and out? As delightful as that sounds, you little Go-Getter you, perhaps you should set your sights a little lower and try to go for things that are a bit more attainable, such as a suitor who doesn’t deem you entirely repugnant, or a major that might get you a job one day that you don’t find completely intolerable. Here is your guide to getting by in life if shooting for the stars seems like something preordained for someone who is more charming, more ambitious, and better-looking than you:
Decide that conservative dress is for squares. Every time you hit the town you should be dressed to transgress. And no, I’m not talking about showing a little cleavage. If you’re not wearing an outfit that makes even the club bouncer blush, then you better hike your skirt up a little higher. Mary Ann’s isn’t high tea at the Queen’s house, after all. How are people supposed to appreciate how sleek and shapely your figure is if you aren’t dressed in a manner that would horrify all of those prospective job employers?
Rely on alcohol to make you comfortable. Take that last shot you don’t need, then follow it with three more. Try and reach that perfect state of inebriation where your inhibitions are just low enough to make any social situation seem navigable and bypass it by a mile. Imagine that alcohol transforms you into the life of the party and that everyone else thinks you’re so zainy and fun for alternately thrusting your pelvis about on the dance floor, tangling tongues with a myriad of strangers, and boisterously emptying the contents of your stomach in the first floor bathroom.
Never take no for an answer. He may claim that he’s just not that into you, but stay convinced that you have the power to change that. Text him throughout the night, your despondency becoming progressively shameless with each unanswered message:
Hey, whats up?
Got any plans for tonight?
What are you doing later?
Hello?
We should hang out!!!!
Txtttttt me baaackkkkkkkkk.
???
I NEED U I WANT U PLZZZZZZZ LUV MEEEEEEE.
Allow yourself to become the back-burner option. Let him tell you that he’s in a weird place right now, that he just got out of a relationship, that he doesn’t do relationships, that he needs his space, that he’s not looking for anything serious, that he just wants to have fun, and tell him you feel the exact same way, even if you don’t. Let him text you on weekend nights when it’s convenient for him, and pretend not to be offended when he simply nods at you in Hillside on Monday. Because, you know, it’s whatever.
Take all the shortcuts you can take. Don’t do the reading for your discussion section on Friday, because it’s not like you’d contribute anything of value to the class anyway. Copy your friend’s assignment who took the same class as you last semester, because she got a B on it and why would you do all that work yourself when you can be guaranteed a decent grade by plagiarizing someone else’s? Set the bar at a level where you can always somehow manage to get by but never have to actually figure out what you’re capable of accomplishing.
Aspire for mediocrity. If there’s even a chance that you could potentially strike out, don’t even bother stepping up to the plate. Decide that if any situation feels too anxiety-provoking or uncertain, that is a good enough excuse for you to skulk back to the comfort of your same-old routine. Settle for that lackluster relationship, that middle-of-the-road grade, that second-rate job opportunity, all so you won’t have to exert too much effort and too much hopefulness towards something that may only end in disappointment.
Photo Sources:
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Fashion_g377-Young_Stylish_Model_Portrait_p36195.html
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Emotions_g96-Young_Woman_Crying_p78264.html