Hey there, want to hang out?
Do you know what I mean by this simple message? Do I want to hook up with you or get to know you? Do I have a mere interest in you or do I really like you?
As it turns out, DTR (defining the relationship), may not always be the easiest thing to do and in fact, many of us avoid doing it. It leads to accepting the risk that you may not be on the same page as the other person you are involved with. Ambiguity means that no possibilities are shut down, and we like that idea. Involvement with a person can therefore mean anything, and more specifically, could mean different things for each person involved.
Sometimes even just the terms of labeling types of relationships themselves are ambiguous. Collegiettes™ I encourage you to take a look at these definitions, while keeping in mind that these are general definitions and highly vary from individual to individual, and consider the possible advantages of DTR.
We’re just talking.
This is basically the stage when two people have met several times, aren’t close friends, but have an interest in one another. This can extend to those two people liking each other, but not knowing enough about each other to be able to determine whether or not they want to take their relationship further. Usually, no physical interaction has occurred. In some cases however, and cases vary from person to person, physical interaction is limited to simple pecks on the lips or even kissing with tongue. Generally the two people make an effort to hang out with mutual friends, with each other’s friends, and alone. The relationship is not completely defined at this point: there is no exclusivity and both persons are still considered single.
We’re texting.
This can refer to two types of relationships.
Option 1: the texting is a technological form of meaningless flirtation (as you would do on a drunken Friday night). This means texting is the mere medium two people use to get at each other when they want to hook up or have an interest in hooking up.
Option 2: the texting is a technological form of talking. This usually happens when two people have an interest in each other but don’t often have the opportunity to hang out or see each other. Conversation and getting to know each other develops over text.
It’s just innocent sexting.
Similar to texting, but involves more description and sexual connotations. It is a more advanced version of option 1 and facilitates a hook-up or regular hooking up. It can often lead to “dirty talk,” virtual sexual interaction, or a meet up to hook up.
Urban Dictionary provides this example to illustrate:
Nancy: “Wut do u want?”
Bob: “Cum over to my place now.”
Nancy: “Is NE1 else there?”
Bob: “No. I need to c u.”
Nancy: “K. Will be there soon.”
Minus the overly abbreviated texting style, this is a typical sexting conversation.
I guess we’re seeing each other.
A little more serious than just talking, but not quite defined into a serious relationship just yet. This form of relationship happens when two people have gotten to know each other, have an interest in each other, but aren’t quite ready to take the leap into the unknown. They like hanging out with each other and it’s effortless. Sometimes this means they do more things together. However, if the two people cannot move past this stage, they end up in the friend zone. Physical interaction, although it varies from person to person and relationship to relationship, is generally kept PG with minimal kissing and hand holding… and perhaps the occasional make-out session. Be careful with your feelings in this stage, physical advancement in a relationship does not necessarily mean emotional advancement for both persons.
We’re friends…with benefits.
This is mutual. ALWAYS. When two friends, either who have ended up in the friend zone from the previous stage or were friends before and wanted to move into this stage, mutually agree to interact in physical/sexual relations. The range of sexual activity varies among relationships, but generally speaking, the relationship is built in such a fashion to get a sort of physical/sexual release without the added complication of emotions. You’re friends, you’re doing each other a favor, and you still enjoy each other- just not to the level of a serious relationship. Friends with benefits can be exclusive but are more often not. There is an understanding between both persons that after a night out together, there will be a hook-up. However, caution must be taken if one or both persons want to pursuit other hook-ups or people. Never expect a hook-up from your friend with benefits. It just happens.
We consider it non-exclusive.
Whatever the stage of the relationship, this means that both persons agree it’s all right to be involved with other individuals and they don’t expect any type of commitment from the other person.
Yeah, we’re hooking up, NBD.
Purely physical pleasure derived both when sober and drunk as a one night stand or on a regular basis. There are two types of hooking up.
Type 1: We’re just hooking up
This is a rare form of hooking up and a spin-off of friends with benefits. The two persons are not friends, but considered more acquaintances (and sometimes you don’t even know where the person is from or their last name). They use each other for physical pleasure but have no intentions of actually getting to know each other or becoming emotionally involved. Their encounters are sporadic and can range from just on the weekends to also on weekdays, once a week or multiple times a week. The two people just connect to hook up, and then go back to their daily lives. They don’t ignore each other in public: they act like mere acquaintances.
Type 2: We just hooked up
This is your average one-night stand. You meet, you like a person, you got back to a room, you hook up. In the span of an hour or 2, bam it’s over. Rarely is there a second time meet-up and there isn’t any texting. It’s short term, and although it can be intimate, it’s an illusion. These types of hook-ups tend to happen with people you don’t know or know very little. More often than not, the two people will never speak to each other again and will avoid all possible encounters in public. We all want to avoid that awkward moment when you run into someone you hooked up with freshman year during your last month as a senior. It can occasionally happen between friends, and well my fellow collegiettes™, good luck sorting yourselves out! How that situation will turn out will depend on how the both of you react to it and feel about, and whether you can go back to just being friends.
Side note: definitions of what a hook-up actually consists of vary among person to person. It can range from kissing/making out at a party to having casual sex after a party, and everything in between.
We decided to be exclusive.
This does not necessarily mean that two people have agreed to be officially in a relationship (i.e. labeling themselves as boyfriend or girlfriend). It generally means that two people who are involved with each other, whether it’s just sexually, emotionally, or both, are mutually agreeing to only be involved with one another.
Dating doesn’t have to be exclusive.
Dating is usually defined as the early stages of a serious relationship. Two people have an interest in each other, spend time together, and have decided to take the next step. They’ve started to date. This could mean going to dinner together, seeing a movie, or even taking a walk. Generally, it is more exclusive time spent with one another with the intentions of pursing the chemistry felt between the two people. However, just like with hooking up, the details can get blurry. Some people consider this stage as not yet completely exclusive and therefore can be “trying out” several interests at the same time.
As with everything, the exclusivity or lack thereof, should be mutually agreed upon. Being on the same page really is essential.
I’m in a relationship.
You’re not married, but this does involve some commitment and work, and with that, exclusivity. A relationship with a person means you have gotten through all the previously mentioned definitions and stages. The two of you have come to this conclusion together. Congrats, it’s really hard, especially as sexually-active college students to take on this serious commitment. But I’ve heard it can be a hell of an experience.
Marriage
Wait, what? I won’t even go there. We’re in college… if you’re engaged, get out of here. That doesn’t happen in college. You’re lucky enough if you can even talk to someone, seriously.
While DTR ensures that you and your relationship partner are aware of each other’s expectations and understanding about the relationship, it isn’t always necessary. Ambiguity can be fun. And letting the relationship take control of itself can be rewarding. It can take you places you wouldn’t have otherwise gone because you had limited the relationship to a specific definition with boundaries of what it can and cannot be or entail.
With these definitions in mind, figure out what you’d be open to and comfortable with. Try not to limit yourself to one option or path only. And put yourself out there to create some experiences for yourself.
Sources:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sexting