*This article is meant to be satirical. HC BC does not actually encourage you to do any of these things.
College may appear to be a wild, endless succession of ridiculous ragers, all exclusive to those elite few who are cool enough to be in the know, but gaining admittance to these crazy fetes may be easier than you imagined. You, too, can get yourself photographed clutching a solo cup in an overcrowded Mod for all of Cyber World to see. Here are ten ways to gain entry to any party with no invitation required:
-
Pretend to be informed.
Inquire about the plans of everyone you’ve ever met at BC, from your biology lab partner to the guy you met that first weekend of freshman year who’s still saved in your phone as “Chris Gonzaga.” When they mention they might be heading to Foster Street, respond with great incredulity: “Get out, me too! What number?” Whatever street number your unwitting acquaintance supplies you with, you pretend this destination had been your own all along: “What delightful happenstance! That happens to be where I’m going!” -
Seek out crowds.
Whether you’re moseying through the Mods or cruising around on the Comm Ave bus, keep your eyes peeled for any group of liquored-up socialites that seems to have a destination. Follow the crowd from a few creepy paces behind, far enough away as not to attract any unwanted attention, but close enough that outsiders may mistake you for a member of the pack. When the group reaches its destination, move stealthily in with the crowd. -
Forge new connections.
Around pregaming time, linger in dorm hallways and in dining halls, seeking out students whose blood alcohol concentrations are a little bit up and whose inhibitions are a little bit down. Strike up a conversation and wait as your peer’s heightened sociability lets him or her quickly warm to you. Once you feel you have charmed your new friend, casually ask about his or her plans for the evening; if you’ve done your job right, your new BFF will be saying, “OMG, we’re going to my friend’s house on South and you totally have to come with!” -
Make use of social networking sites.
Shamelessly stalk those who appear to have the most wildly eventful social lives. See what events they plan on attending – granted that the event planner made the novice mistake of making his or her event public – or allude to attending through tweets and wall posts (“can’t w8 2 get krazy on kirkwood 2nite!!!”). Find out a time and place and, if luck should have it, some sort of random acquaintance who is also attending the party. If questioned, you may fraudulently credit said acquaintance for having invited you. -
Get them with guilt.
Attempt to make plans with the same perpetually-engaged acquaintances week after week, knowing full well that their whirlwind social lives are far too important and momentous to squeeze you in. Wear them down with your dogged determination, until they finally realize that you’re not going to stop texting them until they agree to hang out with you. Keep at it until that one providential evening when they grudgingly let you come along to their brother’s Catalina Wine Mixer in Ignacio. -
Dress for the part.
Though wearing a conservative top and a pair of flats out on the town may demonstrate a sense of self-worth and earn you other’s respect, dressing like a dissolute streetwalker may just earn you an invitation to any party you choose. Don your highest heels and your most offensively short bandage skirt and teeter your way to the nearest party, asking with a subtle flip of your hair if you may be let in. Unless, of course, the party is hosted by girls, in which case you may get a door slammed in your face. -
Keep a list of generic names on hand.
When asked the inevitable question “Who do you know here?” always be prepared with a cool and confident response. Stand in front of the mirror and practice saying, “Mike/Mary invited me,” until you can state this with such conviction that you almost believe yourself. Even if you assure the menacing figure blocking your entrance to a Mod that Sarah invited you to this party, and six unambiguously male names are printed on the door, if you sound convincing enough you may just get by. -
Come bearing gifts.
Just like the Trojans who unknowingly welcomed the Greek’s wooden horse into their gates, a little bit of cordiality can allow you to slip effortlessly into a party as well. Arriving uninvited at a rager on Radnor with a tastefully arrayed cheese platter may not earn you admittance, but showing up to a casual gathering in Rubenstein with a small supply of dancing juice to share can sometimes get you a ticket in. -
Acquire a skill or a quirk.
Become known on the party circuit as The Girl Who Is Somewhat Adept at DJing, or The Chick Who Can Funnel Five Beers in Five Minutes, or The Hot Crazy Mess Who Always Ends Up Falling Down Stairs and Is Generally Very Entertaining. Once you gain repute, your presence will start being requested at social functions. You may not receive a formal invitation, but your fleeting celebrity – or ignominy – may get you in if your party host recognizes you as Girl Who Can Bust Out Impromptu Backflips On the Dance Floor. -
If all else fails…
Dress in black and lurk in the shadows. Locate a carelessly unlocked back door or a window left ajar. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em by forcibly gaining entry.
Photo Sources:
http://weknowmemes.com/2011/08/college-freshman-meme/
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Dancing_g399-Teens_Dancing_In_Night_Club_p54120.html