Everyone has moments when they put someone before themselves. For many first-born children, people-pleasing is less of a choice and more of a reflex. Add to the mix being a first-born child of immigrant parents, and the pressure to succeed, help, and sacrifice becomes more ingrained.
Growing up in that environment, I was always told I had to be a good example. Whether it was for my younger sister or my younger cousins, I was always told to do as I was told. If I made a simple mistake or didn’t do as well as I was expected to, I was treated like a stupid person or useless.
Over time, it becomes ingrained in you that any choice you make is wrong and the only right way to do anything will come from your parents. Even putting yourself first makes you feel like you’re letting everyone down and you’ve done the worst possible thing. What happens when that kind of mindset follows you to college? Life gets ten times harder.
You question every choice you make, even when it comes to choosing an outfit. You let people walk all over you or even take advantage of you because you’re afraid of hurting their feelings. You do it so much that one day you finally snap.
Sometimes it’s a subtle realization that something is wrong with this picture, or it’s a dramatic mental breakdown. For me, it was the latter; I was putting everyone first and not taking control of my life so much that one night I just lost it. That’s when I thought, when am I going to take charge and stand up for myself?
There are many ways to escape that prison. You can go to therapy, read books, or use other media that teaches how to get out of that space, etc. For me, it was through a friend. She may not know it, but seeing her live for herself and voice how she felt made me realize I can do it too.
Finally, I realized that I too could live for myself and make my own choices without feeling like I’m such a horrible person. It won’t happen automatically; it starts with saying no or voicing your feelings in a situation. I say this to say it may take a while; I know I’m still trying, but taking that step shows you’re already making a choice for yourself