I’ll be the first to say that I’m glad I don’t live in Jane Austen’s world.
It’s a place where Mrs. Bennet and her daughters have to accept that the home they live in is entailed on a man who—despite being a cousin—is most definitely a stranger. It’s a place where Charlotte Lucas accepts the proposal of Mr. Collins not because she’s in love but because she’s the oldest daughter in her family and can no longer burden her parents. It’s a place where 15-year-old Lydia Bennet spends her days getting into mischief instead of being educated.
Needless to say, the literary masterpiece that is Pride and Prejudice serves as a marker in time, showing us how far women have come since its setting in the early 19th century, but also, unfortunately, showing us how much our standards in relationships have deteriorated in that time.
Now, I will admit that I am most definitely a hopeless romantic. My phone is currently playing Olivia Newton John’s “Hopelessly Devoted to You” on repeat, my DVR boasts a rigorous selection of Hallmark Christmas movies, and my ideal relationship would include spontaneous waltzes in the rain. I will also admit that, by modern standards, I am most definitely traditional. For example, I don’t plan on living with my significant other before marriage, and I would be greatly disappointed if he didn’t ask my dad for his blessing before proposing.
The isolation I’ve felt as a bearer of such traditional values has led me to live vicariously through my favorite power couple: Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. Like probably every other hopeless romantic, I finished the book ready to do two things: 1) join a Mr. Darcy fan club and 2) complain to my mother about how men like Mr. Darcy don’t exist anymore (or, at the very least, how they seem to be hiding themselves from my sight). I sat back and wondered what happened to the standards in relationships, which seemed like they used to be so high.
Now that Valentine’s Day is in the rearview mirror, it’s prudent that we re-examine our relationships. So, as you bask in your leftover chocolates and life-sized teddy bears, check out the golden lesson I’ve learned from who I believe to be the king of romance himself: Mr. Darcy.
A relationship is with a person—not with their circumstances. Yes, I think all of our minds immediately go to that scene. You know, the one in which Darcy and Elizabeth stand outside a gorgeous building in the rain, emitting extreme “enemies to lovers” energy as they fight from a romantically-close distance. Darcy’s first proposal here is surely questionable. After all, he did provide a laundry list of reasons why Elizabeth is unsuitable for him, all of which have to do with his rank or her lack thereof. However, at the same time, this proposal reveals the core of love: it isn’t based on circumstances. So, remind yourself that your relationship is with a person. Make sure you like his personality and his soul more than his wealth or his family. Also, remember that if someone loves you for your personality and your soul, he will stop at nothing to make you happy. Maybe he’ll track down your long-lost sister and her evil boyfriend, pay for their wedding, and return them home to you in true Darcy style (OK, probably not). At the very least, though, he’ll know your heart and how to care for it. He’ll respect your decisions. He’ll give endlessly without expecting anything in return. And if he doesn’t? He’s not for you.
With Mr. Darcy’s golden lesson in mind, go reflect on your relationship. Think about why you’re dating your partner. Have a conversation. Break things off, if need be.
At all costs, though, don’t forget that you deserve the world, and accept nothing less.