My last relationship happened in the midst of a huge shift in my life. This relationship was almost a year-long yet looking back it felt so empty. I was distant and cold. I was reactive and easy to anger. I had much in my life that was bubbling to the surface and firing out in short spurts of temper tantrums and silent treatments. I decimated my partner’s spirit as often as I could because I was jealous of his happiness. I was the toxic one. I was so hurt from childhood trauma and an assault, yet I refused to let myself stop being normal. That caused a gigantic void in my heart that was filled with hatred for my partner because I was livid that he was so stable and I felt I could never be. Admittedly, I was breaking; Unfortunately, he was there to see it all. After letting myself be vulnerable enough to go to therapy and a few diagnoses including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, all of my disorders working on different levels to totally ruin the way I interact with others and especially how I give and receive love each day. Yet, I have grown into much more than who I will become in the next moments. Of course, I am still not an expert at love. I am not an expert at anything. I am still hurting from how my life has gone, but I am no longer letting my hurt keep me from connecting with the people I love. I want to share what I have learned in these three years of working on loving more than just a partner.
You can be alone, but you’re not lonely
I was terrified of being by myself. I felt like if a person did not envelope me in romantic love then I was not worthy of any kind of love. I went through stages of trying to find the right one. The meeting, the flirting, then of course the ghosting because neither one wants to say “I would hate to date you.” Cycling through dating apps, praying to find someone who would show us what love looks like. In that search, I realized love looks like ourselves. We take care of ourselves even in our lowest moments. You’ll start taking yourself on dates, finding new hobbies, and realizing just how incredible of a person you are and how far you’ve come. Being alone is a powerful feeling, and it’s even better once you realize most people are too worried about themselves to worry about you. Because in that way, you are free from the judgment from others and the judgment within yourself and it’s beautiful.
You can fall in love with your friends.
In these three years, I had lost two of my best friends. I also had lost countless other friendships. It hurt so much to see how conditional their love was for me. However, I know now that we are all capable of being loved and loving unconditionally. I found the two most amazing women I have ever met. Both so driven and curious. Both so beautiful in character and charisma. These friends tell me at least once a day that they love me and then they show it. In my moments of weakness, they show me strength. Though I have found this in myself these women encourage me each moment to be my best. They helped me realize that if I ever do get into another relationship that my standards should be high because that person will have some huge shoes to fill in the wake of these women. You should allow yourself to let all love in, even if it might not be what you were looking for. Friendships are priceless.
Choose what chooses you.
My self-esteem was so low that I would take whatever I could get. I had boys (and yes I say boys) give me the bare minimum as I put them on a pedestal because the feeling of infatuation had me wrapped around it’s finger. I begged these people to give me more because I had already sacrificed so much. They never would. Unfortunately, this is the step I am still working on. I’m sure everyone is. The step where I let things go when they no longer serve me. I actually saw “I choose what chooses me” on a tarot card reading on a TikTok and I began to cry. That is the missing piece. Letting things come to you when they wanted to, but never stretching your neck out for someone who would never outstretch their hand.
I have much more growing to do. For the first time though, I am excited to see what I learn and I am excited to learn it all on my own. I encourage you to do the same. You will never know how strong you are until you take those first steps into the unknown and doing it by yourself makes the reward all the better.