I feel like I am always lying to people. My friends always tell me how much they admire my confidence and all I can do is laugh and say it has taken years of work. In reality, it is still being worked on. I am nowhere near as confident as I could be. It is almost like a mask that I wear, always smiling, always positive, but the second you look even just an inch closer than the surface, I am extremely self-conscious about every move I make. Did I talk too much when I was with my friends? Do these pants make me look bad? I wish my skin was more clear. God, I would kill to have her body. Her hair is so pretty, why doesn’t mine look like that?
I know I am not alone in thinking these things. At some point or another, every single person has had a thought like that. I always feel like things are out of my hands. Don’t get me wrong, some things you just can’t control, and that is perfectly fine, but one thing you can control is how you perceive yourself. That is all up to you, and it is an ongoing process to allow yourself to feel confident and brave and beautiful. You can be the one with the power if you decide to take control of your life. It doesn’t just happen with the flick of a switch, it takes time. But if you do these things, you will get there.
- Take a Step Back
I recently got out of a weird situationship, and all I could think was that he would want me if I was prettier or skinnier. If only I was better at flirting or if my personality wasn’t so obnoxious, he would have stayed. Now, he is in no way a villain. In fact, he was very respectful about the whole thing. I felt awful about myself and wanted so badly to blame him, but the first step in taking back control is looking at the situation from an outsider’s perspective, which can be difficult. I took a step back, set my emotions aside for a minute and was able to see that the root cause of all of this weight I was feeling came from within. It all stemmed from my lack of self-esteem, and it wasn’t fair for me to blame him for anything other than the initial sting of losing whatever we were.
Figuring out the problem is one of the most difficult things to do because it takes a lot of inward thinking and self-discovery. Nobody wants the problem to be themselves, but in order to help yourself out, sometimes you have to realize that it is you. Maybe you aren’t the problem in your certain case, but there is still a reason you are feeling this way. That is exactly why this is the first step and why it is so important. You can’t help yourself until you acknowledge that there is something that needs to be helped. Once you come to terms with that fact, you will be able to work on it and start your self-growth journey.
- Change Your Mindset
Now that you have discovered the reason behind your feelings, do your best to change your view on yourself. This is extremely hard to do, especially since these emotions are most likely deeply rooted and ongoing, but once you start doing this, you will see a noticeable difference. For me, this looked like catching myself every time I thought negatively about myself and forcing myself to give an affirmation. It sounds stupid, but if you stick to it, it really does help. In the morning, before you get ready, compliment yourself. Nobody will believe it until you do, and everyone deserves to see the true beauty you hold. So don’t be afraid to notice it and be a bit self-indulgent, because you are beautiful.
Another good way to change your mindset is to realize that you are not going to be everyone’s type, and that is okay! I had a bad habit of basing my self-worth on how other people viewed me, so if someone rejected me or didn’t like me back, I internalized it and thought it was something wrong with me. That is not true at all. Everyone is looking for different things and just because you aren’t right for one person doesn’t mean you aren’t right for anyone. Yes, it hurts when your crush doesn’t like you back, but it is not the end all be all.
My friend told me this bit of advice and honestly, it changed my life. She is in choir, so she compared it to auditioning for a song. The director already has a set thing in their mind that they are looking for when it comes to that specific song; they want a certain tone and color of voice. If you don’t get the part, it isn’t because you didn’t sing it well, it is just because you weren’t what that person was looking for at the moment. Same with life: just because one specific person didn’t want you doesn’t mean you aren’t pretty or good enough, it just means you weren’t what that person was looking for. Someone out there is looking for someone just like you — you just have to find them first.
- Do Things You Love
Stop doing things that you think others will like and start doing what you want to do. Feeling powerless sucks, so take back some of that power and do what you love. If you want to go to that coffee shop after your class but you don’t have anyone to go with, go anyway. If you want to sit outside and read a book but your friends would prefer to stay in, sit out and read it anyway. I caught myself doing things I didn’t really want to do just because everyone else was, and that is not healthy. If you want to have a good relationship with yourself, you need to make yourself happy, just as you would in a romantic relationship. Whether you like it or not, you are stuck with yourself for the rest of your life. You are the only person you need to make truly happy, so go do things for yourself. Once you start doing this, you will automatically feel more in control of your life and that, in turn, will help with your self-esteem.
- Be Patient With Yourself
You know the old saying, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”? Well, that is a lot like this process — it takes time. It is not going to change immediately. In fact, you may not even see any true results until after a couple weeks of doing these things. It is not always going to be easy, but in the end, it is worth it. When you mess up in this journey, don’t beat yourself up over it. Nobody is perfect and you can’t expect yourself to be. Mistakes are bound to happen and the best thing to do is learn from them. I am guilty of sending those texts to someone during a night out with friends (it happens to the best of us), and immediately realizing what a mistake it was. It was doing more harm than good, and I chose to change it. That’s all it comes down to, a choice. You are in control and you have the power to change things, no matter what you may tell yourself. It will be hard and painful at times, but if you give yourself grace and forgiveness, you will be just fine.
So yes, I lie when I say it has taken years because the truth is, I am not done growing. I haven’t reached that total confidence and I am not sure if I ever will, but it is fine because I am constantly improving. I have started to regain control within my own life, and that is something you can do too. Confidence is something people notice, and when you are able to let go of the fear and worry on the inside, you will notice it too. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and when you feel it, you can do anything you want. Once you take back the power and start doing things for you and not for anyone else, you will start to be truly happy.