Breakups are hard, there’s no denying that. Whether you thought that person was your forever, or you were in a new relationship and were starting to like having them around, it’s always hard to lose someone you care about. Here are some pieces of advice I’ve learned the hard way about breakups that I hope will help you.
1. Cut Off Your Ex.
This is probably the most common piece of advice you can hear on breakups, but it’s honestly so important. If you’re the one who was broken up with, why do you want to see them having the time of their life with their friends? It’s time to rip the bandaid off and realize that it’s over. The same thing goes for if you’re the one who left them. Do them the common courtesy of letting them heal in peace. They probably don’t want to see your Snapchat story, but they want to hold onto what’s left of you. Seeing each other will be this constant reminder of what you guys had and will not let you move on, because it’s the equivalent of leaving the door cracked just in case. Do yourself a great service and just cut them off, out of basic respect for yourself and the other person.
2. Let it Out
You absolutely cannot heal if you’re living with all this pain inside of you. You need to let it all go. I don’t really recommend this step with friends initially, because this relationship was only between you and the person in the relationship. You have to grieve alone. What’s always worked for me is turning on your favorite songs you had together and just let everything go. If you go on a drive alone you can cry and scream without anyone telling you otherwise, and it’s honestly a great way to reconnect to the world you may have forgotten about. Watch some romcoms and embrace the lonely, and most of all, when you cry, focus on doing it to the things you had together. The biggest pain in my last relationship was trying to get back all the things I loved before him and shared with him, only to feel like they were ruined post-breakup. When you cry and release the pain you have attached to those things, you can have them back. They were always yours, to begin with.
3. Get to Know Yourself Again
I think we all know that feeling of getting out of a relationship and realizing you don’t really know who you are anymore. Relationships can become sticky, and soon you can feel pretty conjoined with the other person. The truth is that once you stop looking at relationships as two people making a whole, you’ll never feel this way again. You were perfectly wonderful and whole before this relationship and nothing is different now. Still, you can’t go out into the world as a fully functioning adult without knowing who you are now. Go out and do the little things that make you happy. Try new food, spend time in nature, watch your favorite movies, reconnect to your loved ones. The biggest thing I recommend is journaling. Start a 30-day challenge to get to know yourself better. Make a Pinterest board for your dream style and adjust your wardrobe. The joke about how people change after breakups is really just a reflection of people realizing how much they had changed during the relationship. Put yourself first.
4. Find a New Project
Relationships take up so much of our time that when they end, many of us find ourselves confused about how to fill that time. That’s where a new project comes in. Most people choose to focus on working out after a breakup and getting a “revenge body,” but that’s not the point. This whole process is about you, so getting a revenge body is framing your progress in a way that makes it seem like it’s for the other person. Growth is not about revenge; it’s about being a better person. So get into yoga, or meditation to help find peace. Learn to sew to make some killer outfits. Pick up cooking, or baking, or art, or honestly anything. You just need something to put your energy into and find a new part of life to make you happy. When you find something you love doing, you’re able to start forgetting about the other things.
5. Don’t Trash Talk
If you take anything away from this list then please take this. Whatever you do, do NOT go around talking badly about your ex. This will only make you look bad and desperate. There is no exception to this rule. You can talk about what happened if you want when people ask, but there’s a strong difference between recounting events and just absolutely verbally destroying your ex. If he cheated on you, just say that. You don’t need to talk about how evil he is or inconsiderate. If he cheated on you, we all already know he’s inconsiderate. When you talk badly about someone (even if deserved) it drags you and your name through the mud, too, not to mention it gives the appearance that you still care and are hung up on your ex. Move on and be classy about it. You don’t need to spend any more time dwelling on the past, especially with negative energy.
There’s no perfect formula to getting over a breakup, but there are basic truths we all accept; it’s going to hurt and it’s going to change you for the better. This is the time to lean on those you love and to allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel. Most of all, never forget this is only a moment, and one day you’ll look back and it won’t feel so bad.