Fox News recently published an article titled “Society is Creating a New Crop of Alpha Women Who Are Unable to Love”.
Yes, that’s something a real human being wrote in 2017. In the article, author Suzanne Venker confesses that her mother “never quite mastered wifedom”. Her mother was volatile and “wholly unyielding”, punishing her father by “delegating” and “making decisions”. This leads Venker to the very unbecoming conclusion that her mother was an “Alpha Wife”. Cue primal roaring. This is all a hideous reality to cope with, I’m sure, but I’d like a chance to respond to Suzanne and the rest of the Fox News staff.
I am The Boss. I am the Head Bitch in Charge, I am an Alpha Woman.
In first grade my teacher pulled me aside to tell me that I was “too bossy”. Throughout elementary school teachers would purposely place me next to boys so that they would behave better. In middle school I was never called on, despite my hand being raised, because I was seen as a know-it-all. In high school I was called a “cunt” by a classmate, in front of a teacher (who did nothing). I was voted most opinionated in the class of 2015. My closest friends will be the first people to tell you that I’m “blunt” and “aggressive”. I make decisions, I give the orders, I like things done my way. But guess what? Despite being an unladylike Alpha Woman with rippling muscles and Hulk-like mood swings, I am very capable of giving love and being loved in return. I am open-minded, empathetic, passionate, and creative. Oddly enough, I’m a multi-faceted human being and I’m tired of seeing femininity and assertiveness being spoken about as mutually exclusive. And let me be clear that I have not worked hard at being an assertive and ambitious person to hold back and live in a man’s shadow. I will not tone down my “masculine qualities” and be quieted by antiquated ideas of gender to suit a man insecure about his own fragile, toxic masculinity. And I will certainly not give up my opinions and ideals to play ‘50s housewife.
I imagine Suzanne Venker’s mother now, with the braided beard of a viking swaying in the salty air, hoisting Mr. Venker above her head ala Pippi Longstocking and her horse. “Today [alpha women] abound.” Venker writes. “There are several reasons why, but it’s in large part due to women having been groomed to be leaders rather than to be wives. Simply put, women have become too much like men. They’re too competitive. Too masculine. Too alpha.” Let us pause for a moment, because these are all qualities I pride myself on. If someone were to describe a boy as a competitive leader, we would imagine him having a successful future. Yet when we apply these words to femme-aligned people, they become demonizing. How dare women have the audacity to make decisions, to want to get ahead, to want to lead? How dare women work to compete with men who have been given the upper hand their entire lives? Are we not content to sit at our sewing machine and trade lemon square recipes? Venker is condemning women for wanting to lead purposeful lives that don’t revolve around traditionally feminine roles. Being decisive, being aggressive, and being able to delegate are all characteristics that bring men praise because we associate them with success. But when femme-aligned people take on those roles we are asked to tone it down.
“That may get them ahead at work,” Venker maintains. “But when it comes to love, it will land them in a ditch.” She, unfortunately continues, “Every relationship requires a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. If women want to find peace with men, they must find their feminine—that is where their real power lies.”
No. That’s not at all how it works. First of all, you’re laboring under the assumption that all women want romantic relationships with men. In fact, it’s not often that I desire intimacy with a man. Are you implying that, even within relationships where no man is present, one person should just take the loss and accept being the inferior, “feminine” half? If a relationship is open or polyamorous, how many people take on which gender stereotype? I could go on about why this outdated relationship model is ineffective, but my current and only significant other is a cishet man, so let’s pretend. Venker misleads readers, saying “And because I had zero interest in my husband adopting a more feminine role, I set about to become the feminine creature our culture insists women not be.” This is objectively offensive and harmful (relationship) advice. In all of dear Suzanne’s scenarios, she imagines a couple as an odd Protagonist/Goofy Side Character relationship where one person is meant to lead and the other tags along and makes endearing remarks. Venker imagines relationships as the femme-aligned partner accepting the poor hand they’ve been dealt and resigning to prop up their masculine partner. She argues that since you can’t shine (for the good of the relationship), accept your fate as a Feminine Woman stumbling doe-eyed through life, and you might even like it! “It’s liberating to be a beta!” Venker writes. “I’m an alpha all day long, and it gets tiresome. … Self-reliance is exhausting. Making all the decisions is exhausting. Driving the car, literally or figuratively, is exhausting.” Perhaps accept that people can take turns driving, if you will. My SO doesn’t make all of the decisions and neither do I. We are a team, not poorly written archetypes. We approach obstacles together, we succeed by seeing each other as equals. He has no desire to rule over me and I have no desire to rule over him, because a couple is a partnership. Venker uses straw man examples of relationship-ruining traits like making too many of the decisions and applies them to femme-aligned people of substance. Every relationship will suffer from imbalance, but that has nothing to do with women being leaders or delegators. Femme-aligned people that possess leadership skills aren’t inherently unable to be good partners, no matter who the relationship is between. You don’t need to be docile or compliant, you have to be respectful. Alpha Women don’t need a “beta”, if we choose to enter a relationship, we need someone who wants to see us achieve our goals. We need someone who wants to see us succeed as much as we want to see them succeed.
This all boils down to the idea that our culture enforces a dichotomy of feminine and masculine. Those who don’t abide by traditional gender roles are villainized and unworthy of love. Because less and less people are deciding to greet their husbands in an apron with a martini in hand when he walks in the door from a long day at the office, we’re suddenly uncompatable. Because more femme-aligned people are working and organizing, we can no longer be pidgeon-holed into housewife stereotypes. We refuse to let the gender norms we grow up with, and still deal with regularly, to keep us from succeeding. And if women being seen as more than sidekicks in skirts to their boyfriends and husbands makes you uncomfortable, I encourage you to step down before we Alpha Females make you.