Due to recent events revolving around the issue of Title IX policies on campus, many Augustana students came forward about their experiences. With the occurrence of Take Back the Night this past weekend and wearing denim to show awareness for sexual assault on Wednesday, we provide victims with a safe platform to speak up. As a victim of sexual assault, I understand how terrifying it is to share a traumatic experience with others. It’s not just the conversation we fear; it’s the possibility of being doubted by the people we tell and not gaining the proper support. Based on what I hear when engaging in discussions about sexual assault, these seem to be the most common problematic responses:
1. Giving the perpetrator the benefit of the doubt
We don’t care who the perpetrator is to you. Whatever relationship you have with them is irrelevant to us, as it doesn’t factor in to how our experiences played out. Even if they seem like a “nice person” to you, their good deeds do not cancel out a serious offense like sexual violence. Even if the truth is hard for you to absorb, it is still your responsibility to hold that person accountable. You are part of the problem if you defend them. If we’re disclosing the identity of our assailant to you, it’s because we feel comfortable enough to share that with you. Don’t betray our trust by finding an excuse to forgive them.
2. Victim blaming
This one is a broader category. Whether you ask what we were wearing, if we fought back, if we said no—anything that attempts to invalidate our stories can be categorized as victim blaming. Victim blaming isn’t just harmful because it fails to recognize the perpetrator as responsible; it discourages victims from coming forward about their assault. Understand that when someone opens up to you about their experience, they are placing an enormous amount of trust on you to listen and respect what they have to say. They are putting themselves in a very emotionally vulnerable position to reveal a painful memory. They are relying on you for support, so give it to them.
3. Forcing victims to take action
While we appreciate your support and concern, it is not up to you to decide how we move forward. There are several reasons as to why sexual assault often goes unreported–one of them being how stressful and drawn out the reporting process is. Even if we want our assailant found responsible, some of us do not want to endure weeks or months of that emotional turmoil. Not to mention that perpetrators of sexual assault rarely get prosecuted, and no one wants to hear that their perpetrator was not found guilty. Even if we decide to come forward with a complaint, do not discourage us from doing so. Instead, be there for us every step of the way, because it is a terrifying process and we don’t want to face it alone.
4. Assuming how we feel
Several emotions arise after surviving an assault. Misery, anger, shame, guilt, confusion, isolation, or even numbness. Not every victim processes their trauma the same, so you can’t always be sure of their feelings. Even if we seem fine one day, that doesn’t mean that we are or that we have moved on. While it’s good to sympathize and understand what we’re going through, you can never exactly know what’s going on in our minds—and hearts. Be someone who checks up on us now and then to make sure we’re getting support when we need it.
Even if you don’t realize what you’re doing is more harmful than helpful, you should still be mindful of what you say. Hopefully, this provided more insight as to how to care for victims as well as correcting problematic behaviors of others.