Hi, my name is Sage! Welcome to my weekly column: Genital Anxiety. Here we will discuss sex and relationships openly, honestly, and without shame. I will do my best to respond to questions from readers as well as current events. So you have some perspective on my perspective, I am a bisexual genderfluid woman currently in a relationship with a cishet man. In light of recent political discussions revolving around Planned Parenthood, abortion, and birth control, the first edition of my column will come purely from personal experience. Though this is partially anecdotal, these facts and advice are for anyone out there who has a vagina and may be having sex with someone who has a penis.
What even happens when a condom breaks? Would I hear it? Would it make a loud latex snap? Would a pint of semen spill uncontrollably inside of me? If a condom broke during sex, I always pictured something along the lines of that somewhat endearing (though undeniably awkward) first scene in Master of None. You know, where Aziz Ansari cavalierly purchases his one night stand Plan B and a bottle of Martinelli’s sparkling apple juice. I recently learned that there is nothing cavalier or endearing about needing Plan B.
It was a regular night. Well, regular if you consider your parents being in Hawaii* for a week and you and your significant other fucking in your childhood bedroom regular. I could go into detail, but I’ll save that for the smutty fanfiction that I’ll eventually publish. The gist of it is, my significant other had the spectacular timing of cumming right as the condom broke. If you’re like me, then the first thing that runs through your mind when the condom breaks and you’re not on birth control is “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” x10. But the first three things you need to consider are: pregnancy, STIs, and HIV. Condoms protect against all three of these things, so you become at risk when it breaks. Regardless of whether or not your partner came, if the condom breaks, take these steps:
- Pee. For the love of god, pee all you can. You should be peeing after penetrative sex anyways because it reduces the risk of UTIs.
- Squat down and actually clench your vaginal muscles (kegels are trendy, right?) to push sperm out of you. You will not feel sexy while doing this but you will feel better about your health.
- DO NOT douche (which you shouldn’t be doing regardless) or wash inside of your vagina, it will only push sperm and bacteria further into you making it more likely for you to contract an infection.
- Wash the outside of your vagina, around your vulva, by splashing it will lukewarm water (you do not want ice cold or steaming hot water anywhere near your vulva). Do this while sitting on a toilet instead of frantically splashing around in your bathroom sink with your pants off, learn from me.
- Forget if you smell like sex or if your makeup is smeared, pull on your clothes and get to the nearest drug store (any 24/7 Walgreens will do) or Planned Parenthood and purchase emergency contraceptive.
The Sooner It’s Taken, the Better it Works:
Plan B must be taken within 72 hours of the condom breaking (even if your partner did not cum inside you, it is possible to become pregnant) to ensure efficiency. The sooner it’s taken, the better it works. I took it about twenty minutes after the incident- no stops for Martinelli’s sparkling apple juice.
Forget What You Heard:
Plan B is not an “abortion pill” and it is not meant to be taken like prescribed birth control. Plan B works by preventing your ovary from releasing an egg in time to join the sperm.
Body Mass Index:
Plan B is less effective for people with a BMI over 25 (although I’m roughly 5’6” and 160lbs and
Plan B worked for me). If your BMI is over 25, no shame, there is a pill known as Ella that works similarly to Plan B!
Easy as OTC:
Plan B is over the counter. In 2013 the US ruled that anyone can have access to purchasing it, so if a pharmacist is hesitating to give it to you, know your rights. However, the government isn’t that nice, as Plan B totals to about $50.00. As I’m a broke college student, and also not the one whose sperm firehosed into the other person’s genitals, my boyfriend gladly paid for the pill. This is the first time I’ll be saying this, but personally I think whoever has the penis should be the one paying up. To avoid an argument in the middle of a Walgreens, *calmly* discuss payment with your partner on the ride to the drug store.
One Small Step For Birth Control…:
If you purchase Plan B One Step, you will only get one pill. It is a very small pill in a hell of a lot of packaging. Plan B One Step contains levonorgestrel, the same hormone used in many birth control pills, just at a higher dose. Regular old Plan B will do the trick, but instead you will receive two pills that, combined, will give you the same dose as One Step. Read the instructions anyways!
Safe and Sound:
Plan B is FDA approved and safe to take. However, it comes with nasty side effects. You may experience nausea, abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, menstrual changes (don’t freak out right away if your period isn’t on time), dizziness, breast tenderness, general soreness, and vomiting. If you vomit within two hours of taking the pill, you must take it again. Yes, life’s a bitch. The side effects should only last up to two days, max. If you’re feeling sick after that, contact your doctor.
Plan A(head):
Though no one wants to think that this will happen to them, it doesn’t hurt to keep a box of Plan B lying around just in case.
Keep in Touch:
If you can, let your OB/GYN know what’s up immediately. I was able to shoot my doctor a quick email. She responded the next morning saying “you’re fine :)”, which was not quite the dramatic reaction I wanted (but it did give me reassurance).
Rumor Has It:
Emergency contraceptives and birth control do not lead to an increase in people having more unprotected sex. Both the Bixby Center for Global Reproductive Health at the University of California San Francisco and Princeton found similar research which concludes that access to birth control does not promote sexual risk-taking. So if anyone tries to shame you for popping Plan B, you can shut them down with facts.
Communication and level heads are key to getting through these kinds of moments, talk to your partner and let them know what you need from them. If you can, have someone come watch over you after you take emergency contraceptive. My significant other stayed the night and took care of me, which was a huge comfort. Though he did spend at least an hour furiously googling “condom break” (apparently there are people out there who do not use condoms, they are nutso and should be banned from sex starting now). Not to humble brag about my pregnancy scare, but I was lucky enough to go through this with my loving SO. But if you are with a friend with benefits or a one night stand etc, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. This kind of thing happens more than you expect, but we often don’t share our experiences as we fear societal taboos. By taking Plan B, I took control of my own bodily autonomy, my health, and my future. Emergency contraceptives were able to help me empower myself. I encourage all of you to be safe and always speak up about your sexual experiences (negative or positive).
*Ironically, my mom brought me back a lei (haha, get it? Lay? I had sex)