Lesson 1: The Word “No” Has Become Powerless
I’ve written so much
but I haven’t gotten it out quite right yet.
I can’t find the words to describe that sound.
That sound my fingers made as I shoved them into my ears.
That sound my mouth made when I thought I formed the words no.
The sound your fingers made when they danced across my body in places
I never allowed them to go.
The sound of it all.
-a.w.
Lesson 2: Life Goes On
There is life after the boy
who forced himself inside your castle.
-a.w.
Lesson 3: Manipulation Starts With Vulnerability
The night I fell apart I didn’t cry
not at first.
The night I fell apart
I sat there naked in your bed praying you wouldn’t ask what was wrong.
But you did.
You always knew when something was wrong.
You noticed my change in attitude
the minute we left the bar that night.
You noticed the silence that fell between us
as we climbed the stairs to your door.
You noticed the sadness that crept into your bed and wrapped herself in your blankets.
I wonder if you noticed the concrete that was hardening around my lips.
My heart was shattering
but I would not let it fall into your bed.
You wrapped your arms around me
and broke the concrete from my lips.
You let the shattered pieces pour from them
As you slowly collected the pieces and placed them in my hands
I realized it.
You had broken down a wall I never knew I had built.
And now I was vulnerable.
Now I was yours.
-a.w.
Lesson 4: Feeling Deeper Than Others Is Okay
When I was younger I prayed
to have a normal soul.
One that did not itch to travel every second of the day.
One that did not start to feel sadness
when it hadn’t moved in a while.
I prayed for a soul that was less deep
one that did not wish to scrape the bottom of the ocean.
I did not want my own
the one that craved so much understanding.
I wanted one that found peace in normal
average life.
I wanted one that did not throw itself into
everyone they met
falling deeper every time
because my damn soul craved something
no one had given me yet.
I no longer wished to feel the highest highs
and in turn the lowest lows.
I wanted a normal soul.
Then I met God
and I understood.
All the cravings of adventure.
All my love for other people.
All my want for relationships deeper than the ocean
were a blessing.
I was meant to give my soul to those who did not have their own.
-a.w.
Lesson 5: Your First Thrill Will Teach You How to Feel Alive
I was sixteen when I met you.
I had never experienced anything as electrifying as you.
You sparked a wildness in me
that I never had felt before.
All of a sudden
I was sneaking out at 3am
kissing vodka stained lips
lying to my mom saying I wasn’t in love.
You pressed me against a wall and shot fire through my veins.
I had been grey all my life
but you injected color straight into my heart.
You slipped out of my arms
once our hour glass ran out.
I hear songs from that summer and sometimes
I can still taste the vodka on my lips,
I can still see you pulling your shirt over your head
I can still feel my back pressed against that wall
I can still see you draped in my plum colored sheets.
Whenever there is lightning in the sky I think of you.
The night we met there was a thunderstorm
as if warning us of the electricity to come.
I am nineteen now.
You called me up the other day
and I felt sixteen again.
-a.w.
Lesson 6: Your First Love isn’t Your Last
You were the “one”.
It was always you.
You lit a fire in me
that I would never feel again.
You traced patterns on my skin
no man could ever find the way to.
You crept into parts of my mind
no one thought to go.
I was bleeding on the bathroom floor
and you were the one that saved me.
I was crying at 3am
and it was you who I called.
It was your arms I fell into
when my own would not work.
You pressed your body into mine
more times than I could count.
I thought it was love.
I thought our secret was love.
I thought you saving me was love.
I thought you thrusting yourself into me was love.
I’ve never felt anything with anyone
like I did with you.
But darling you weren’t the one.
Because the “one” does not break your heart.
You aren’t the one, you never have been.
-a.w.
Lesson 7: Run Away From Men Who Try to Tame You
He told me I wasn’t wild.
In that moment I had no idea who I was.
I had let a boy take away all my confidence.
I used to be a siren
singing love and romance into my lovers’ ears
and leaving them once they had gotten addicted.
A drop of me and they were stuck.
Hands held above their heads begging for mercy.
For I was the girl who snuck out at 3am
to lure a heart to heartbreak.
The girl who was getting her hair pulled on the hood of a car
and injecting the addiction straight into her lover’s arms.
The girl who couldn’t be held down for I was the wind.
I was the girl who left red lip stains on boys’ hearts
and woke up every morning with them begging for more.
When he told me I wasn’t wild
I realized
I had lost me.
I had let a man hold me down and take myself away from me.
Rip my spirit and make me feel powerless.
But don’t worry dear I think I have found her again
for she came crawling home last night tasting
of tequila
and feeling like the ocean.
For I will always be wild.
-a.w.
Lesson 8: You Have to Remember the Bads Outweigh the Goods
“it was so good in the beginning”
“don’t say that”
“why”
“those are the saddest words
because it is what keeps us holding on”
For if I could forget what happened
In the beginning
Then maybe I could forget you.
-a.w.
Lesson 9: There Will Be Some Things You Will Never Forget
I have nightmares.
They’re quite hard to explain
For they do not scare me.
They just remind me.
I sit paralyzed and I see him
On top of me holding me down
thrusting his fingers inside of me.
I wake up screaming
And sweating
But it is not the dream that scared me.
It is the fact that it was real.
It was so real.
And that time it was not a dream.
-a.w.
Lesson 10: I Am Worth Way More Than Just Sex.
My father sat me down one night
He told me sex was a man’s only plight
When I got my first boyfriend
I learned he was right
For as I refused his demand
He did not even try to reprimand
He just lifted his hands
And said he did not want to be with me again.
I began to learn my lesson
the task I had been given was no blessing.
All it would entail was a lot of undressing.
My mother told me to always be kind.
Do more for others then they do.
For a peace of mind.
Perhaps this is why when he was done ravaging my soul
I was the one who said I was sorry.
-a.w.