As someone who has been informally out of the closet since the 11th grade, I’ve heard a lot about people’s opinions on LGBTQIA (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, and asexual, among others) people, politics and, tellingly, morals. Admittedly, my life as a gay person has been pretty easy compared to either the televised pictures of gayness as an accessory or as a burden, and especially when compared to the real life attacks on gay and trans people throughout the country.
But one thing that unifies this white college lesbian with other members of the diverse LGBTQIA community—a community that is by no means homogenous—is the question, “Are you sure you’re____?” And we can all fill in the blanks. “Are you sure you’re gay?” “Are you sure you’re bi?” “Are you sure you’re trans?” It’s the universal questioning of if we really know “what” we are, or if we are following the “fad” of being gay, lesbian, trans, etc.
Like the guy on my Facebook feed knows me better than I do, right?
Yet for a lot of people, it becomes a balancing act of whether to tell people they’re trans or bisexual or gay, deciding whether it’s safe to do so, and if it’s not safe, a matter of how they hide that part of themselves from those they deem unsafe to show that side of themselves.
Some people reading might now think I would never be like that. If someone I know is gay, trans, etc. then I would definitely be open to talking to them about it and accepting them.
But it’s not that simple. For those who identify as straight, it is easy to take for granted the positive media that comes with being straight. You always have central plots in mainstream movies. You always have a love interest. And you have the privilege of assuming everyone around you is straight. So while you might think that you would be safe, sometimes those assumptions can become microaggressions, i.e. assumptions that are harmful and based in prejudice.
For example, if you assume everyone around you has the same, straight orientation, then you might say something like, “I don’t understand being gay/trans/etc.. I just like ____ too much to be.” From personal experience, hearing those words turns those gay, trans, etc. people off from feeling safe.
That’s why so many people stay in the closet. They don’t feel safe showing that side of themselves, becoming a token member of someone’s friend group, and they don’t like to hear invasive questions about their gender or sexuality.
I’m definitely not the first gay person to point out these struggles. I myself am a white, privileged woman, and I have rights that many other gay, trans, etc. people don’t. In fact, I’m not the majority of the community that television likes to portray. According to a this article from ColorLines, the majority of people in the LGBTQIA community are women, black, and poorer than the white, richer men depicted on shows like Sex in the City, Glee, and others.
That’s an important distinction to remember: not everyone is straight or cisgender (defined as identifying as the gender assigned at birth) and while everyone would like to say that they would be open to their friends being gay, trans, etc., everyone has inner biases. I myself have internalized homophobia and to say that one doesn’t have any biases is disingenuous. Working against those biases actively is something I have to do every day. I have to remind myself that I am not wrong or incorrect for feeling what I am feeling or for being gay, and I have to work against the transphobia, biphobia, etc. that society presents; and those who are not gay, trans, bisexual, or any other sexuality or gender identification outside of the expected cisgender heterosexual, too, have to think about what they are saying and what they are projecting.
Not everyone is perfect, but the fact remains that asking questions like, “Are you sure you’re ____?” and saying things like, “But you’re too ______ to be gay/trans/etc.” is harmful and counterintuitive. The only person who understands a person’s sexuality is themselves. And by questioning who we are, you demonstrate time and time again who you are –ignorant and biased.